Comments: 9
denlm [2018-08-10 19:54:59 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
Here are my proofing crits:
- My personal preference would be to use a colon instead of a semicolon in the second sentence. Grammar police would typically agree.
- Period should be within the closing quote mark in sentence three.
- "Do you cook?" should be a stand alone paragraph. With "Jasika shook her head." as the start of the next. Normally it should be treated as a spoken response to his question, thus needing its own paragraph.
- Need a period after "This helps me think." Then capitalize "Small pieces..."
- Should be "started" not "starting" in the sentence "Walter started mixing bread..."
- Need a period at the end of that same sentence: "...in another bowl."
- Need period after "Jasika didn't hesitate."
- And after "...floating point array."
- And after "...fixed point number instead."
- Bread crumbs doesn't need a hyphen.
- Need period after "...fixed-point array instead."
- Need period after "...pool of melting butter."
- Need a period after "...a moment before answering."
- Personally, I would change the comma to a period in "...regulate the flow. You'd just have to..."
- Need period after "...optimize the array."
- Need period after "...red curry sauce."
- Period needed after "Watch this." Then cap "He motioned..." Put a period after "...second pan." Then cap "Think of the sauce..."
- Add semicolons as follows: "...cream, butter; the pan is the processor; and the heat..."
- Need period after "...potential for change." Then cap "He began..."
- Need period after "...pink." Then cap "All of the data..."
- Change comma to period in "...reflect this new input." Then cap "Each bit is..."
- Need period after "That's organic." Then cap "Your binary..."
- Need period after "...sophisticated." Then cap "They can't..."
- Need closing quotation marks at the end of that paragraph.
- Need period after "...I've got up here."
- Add comma after "...his temple, "and let..."
- Need period after "...Harvard."
- Need period after "...any of this."
- Need period after "...in the curry sauce."
All that said, I know this is flash fiction so all those pesky punctuation and sentence crits are no big deal at this stage. BUT since this piece is so intriguing and fluid, you'll want to clean up those details. THEN consider fleshing the whole thing out into a novel or novella. I would read it... Actually, I would beg for more. This is a great idea, and timely, what with AI already lurking in our computers. Not to mention, you made a diehard anti-techy like me understand what was going on. Now, that's a gift.
Well done!
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denlm [2018-08-10 19:19:17 +0000 UTC]
I didn't know you worked in IT, but if you didn't I would have had to assume you'd already jacked into that wetware. See my critique for nit-picky details.
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SRSmith In reply to denlm [2018-08-12 15:09:44 +0000 UTC]
Thank you for a lovely comment, and thank you *very* much for your thoughtful critique. I'm going to go through that in detail and tidy the writing up. I really appreciate your time and attention.
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denlm In reply to SRSmith [2018-08-12 21:13:55 +0000 UTC]
My pleasure. I love reading good writing, and offering advice that might polish it up. Your work has always qualified.
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SRSmith In reply to denlm [2018-08-12 21:59:34 +0000 UTC]
You are too kind!
Thanks again!
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Rafellin [2018-08-09 18:32:07 +0000 UTC]
I have never been one to obey the βwrite what you knowβ maxim, preferring the βwrite what you can be convincing aboutβ approach. However, there is always a level of detail you can -never- be convincing about unless you have actually worked within the subject.
This story, apart from being one of your best, is a masterful demonstration of that.
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