MangaArtFan [2012-10-06 03:45:40 +0000 UTC]

Keeps dad sane? Haha wow, I'm sure Sherlock is capable of keeping himself sane but that line made me laugh

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TheIntrepidExplorer [2012-01-28 08:54:25 +0000 UTC]

This is truly an amazing piece of work.

Be proud.

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Finnegal [2012-01-13 21:28:20 +0000 UTC]

My name is scarlet Holmes and I am just like my dad.

Capital letter at the beginning of your name is regular, Scarlet, just so you know. I'm sure Sherlock wouldn't forget that.

It was my 16th birthday had come over from the U.S to see dad and John. We got a cab to Baker Street.

Your sentence runs straight into the next. You lack detail. Why is your birthday more relevant to your appearance? We aren't going to imagine you as a walking '16' for the entirety of the story. Who is 'we'? You haven't described them picking you up; why you were in the U.S. if Sherlock is your father...

Before we got there the taxi crashed. Me and my mum where injured. We got rushed to St Barts hospital where dad was working it turned out that I only had a broken leg and whiplash. My mum had died on her way to the hospital and was rushed down to the morgue where dad was working when he saw my mum he came rushing up to A&E to find me when he got to me he just held me and cried.

If the cab crashed before you got there, your last sentence 'We got a cab to Baker Street' is inaccurate. 'Where' should be 'were' in 'Me and my mum were injured.' I presume that your mother was also the referred to 'we' in 'We got a cab to Baker Street.' '...turned out that you only had a broken leg and whiplash' - someone hasn't done any research. I'm not quite sure why someone would get rushed down to the morgue (unless, in this case, it was for the benefit of Sherlock...) - it isn't like they're going anywhere else. Apparently Sherlock has had his emotions rewired and they're now fully active, also. But, of course, if he's had a kid, it was almost inevitable.

When we got to Baker Street, dad helped me up the stairs and gave me his room as he did not mind sharing with his partner John. [So, do you just not describe your own emotions, or are you taking this as one big chance to advertise yourself as a self-insert as Sherlock's daughter? Also, I presume you do mean work-partner, or did John and Sherlock become an item after the divorce (a possible reason you were in the USA?)] Dad had a case to go to but he wanted to stay at home to keep an eye on me so phoned Lestrade to let him know that due to what had happen he will not be returning to the case tonight. [Yes... very Sherlock-y.] Me, dad and John stay up till midnight watching films and catching up. I like John he is funny witty and keeps dad sane. [Presumably you already know John - you did after all write that you were coming to Baker Street to see the two of them, but now it reads as if you have only just met... despite the fact it is also implied you are 'catching up'. Grammar is also lacking in the last sentence; should be: "I like John. He is funny, witty and he keeps dad sane."]

The next day my uncle Mycroft came to see me, where I'm an only child he spoils me rotten with the latest gadgets and gizmos. [Break it into two sentences: "The next day my uncle Mycroft came to see me. Where I am an only child, he spoils me rotten with the latest gadgets and gizmos." ...but presumably he nor you is too bothered about your deceased mother...] God I am bored I wish I was better so I could go out on cases with dad. [Again, lacking emotions. Don't attempt to say it is inherited from Sherlock, as that goes against his previous crying, where you have shown absolutely nothing thus far.] John came home at lunchtime, [Lack of description makes it unaware to the reader that he had even gone out in the first place] to make sure that I was ok, [Change the comma to a period; capitalise the next 'h'] he told me about the first case he went on with my dad. [Do you not get the internet in the USA? He has a blog] That night dad came home in a steaming temper [Again, not aware he had gone out in the first place? Was it a case? If so, I thought he had already rung Lestrade the previous night?] John told me that it was probably something to do with Anderson or Donavon [comma here] two of the cops that work with Lestrade.

30 minutes later dad[apostrophe here]s temper sizzled out, then we had a pizza and curled up on the sofa and watched TV, then went to bed. [Does this cuddling session involve John, or has he mysteriously disappeared again?]
Six weeks went passed [*past. Also, either make that one sentence or add an 'and'] I got my cast off then I finally got my wish and went out on case with dad and John. [I'll presume your mother's funeral is being taken care of by someone else, or has already happened but isn't important enough to be mentioned.] I found it as natural as breathing it was easy to keep up with dad as my brain works just like his. [Apparently not...] I met Lestrade and Donavan and Antonio the Italian restaurant owner whose name dad cleared.

Three days after this I got a strange phone call from someone who goes by the name of Ryan M. when I lived down here, [Is it strange because it's sudden, or strange because when you lived in Baker Street previously you weren't friends and he didn't have your phone number? Also, I too used to have a friend called Ryan M[cLeary]. Incredible coincidence, I must say.] which was until I was ten one of my friends called himself Ryan M. [Ah, wait, you were friends... so why is it strange that he's kept in contact?] I later found out that the M stood for Mortiarty. [Later when? Later after you were ten, or later in the story? Also *Moriarty]

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