HOME | DD

Description
“She’s an animal…”

I’ll never forget the scorn in his eyes at he surveyed the pile of rags which hid my trembling body. Through a slit in the moth-eaten cloth, I could see the daylight. He stepped into my line of sight, the sun sharp against his silhouette.

“Paul, she’s an animal. Driven by chemicals and sex and emotion. Chasing that feeling; that ultimate high that might be on the next horizon. She doesn’t know wrong from right. She’s just… driven! Driven to nowhere, like a migratory beast!”

My index finger caressed my cheek. A cheek damp with salt tears. I was half-expecting to find fur on my face and claws on my fingertips.

The rags beneath which I lay were warm and dark. The darkness was safety. If I lay in the dark tonight, people would not be able to see me. Their scorning faces blocked out the sun, so instead I had entrusted myself to the darkness of the night. Starry alleys and clubs alive with strobe lights and heat, where I sweated and shivered in my ecstasy.

Paul had met me on the corner, where I was peddling dope. Not a pure batch. I had mixed in some baby powder. I was scrounging pennies to make the next month’s rent. Had he pitied me? Was it an act of charity, of conscience?

He saw me not as a vending machine of dope. Not as a sex toy. He saw me as one like himself.

“She is human.” He turned to speak to the bundle of rags. “You are human.”

My thoughts drifted across the crevasses, peaks and ledges of my story. White powder dusted the surface. Rivulets of blood stained it more deeply than my Windex-and-foam apologies could remove. Too much time had passed, and the blood sank into the woodwork, becoming part of me.

Paul’s gentle hand lifted the cloth from my head, allowing the sunlight of heaven to touch my face with a warmer caress than I could give myself. “Maria…” My name sounded so sweet when he whispered it. It was the name of a saint, pure and white.

“What am I worth to you?” I asked. “Why did you come for me?” Unable to hold it in any longer, I broke down in tears. “Why the hell did you come for me of all people? I’m not worth saving. I’m just a… just a…”

“You’re a human. You’re worth everything.” The more he said those words, the more I wanted to believe them. I wanted to accept them without question, yet my soul was not made that way. There had to be a catch. In my life, there ha always been a catch. Men like hooks, grappling at my soul and tearing pieces from between my legs.

“There’s something more to it… There has to be. I’m not worth…”

“You have in your soul the wealth of David and the wisdom of Solomon. Untapped mines of rubies and pearls.”

He helped me to my feet, and the rags of darkness tumbled to the ground. Sunlight warmed my half-bare flesh and he hugged me in a way I had never been hugged before. There was no attraction in it. There was no heat of desire. This was the pure embrace of a brother.

He should have questioned me…

But he cared. Without questions or judgement, he cared. And out loud, he said the words I had longed to hear for so long.

It’s worth saving me.