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NoOtherKing — Countdown
#countdown #eight #five #four #nine #one #six #three #time #two #seven #ten
Published: 2015-03-12 02:14:50 +0000 UTC; Views: 1538; Favourites: 20; Downloads: 0
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Description
Ten.Time is not a quantifiable substance. We like to think we can measure it, regiment it, control it, but we can’t. Days can stretch like years, looming heavy on the horizon. Weeks can slip swiftly by, ticking past like seconds on the clock.
Nine.
We measure, trying desperately to convince ourselves that all minutes are equal. They are not.
Eight.
Time is fickle, racing and crawling as it wills, with no thought for the disruption of time-bound creatures. And we are bound, as fast as if we were weighted with iron shackles. There is no escape; there is only time.
Seven.
I feel my heart beating in the space between seconds, making me wonder if I am the one racing through time, or if time is slowing around me. Each beat hammers against my ribs from the inside, pounding time against my bones.
Six.
I am weightless here, suspended in time. My heart races, my mind soars, and my body seems to float through the air instead of moving at my command. I am slow, too slow, bogged down by the weight of time.
Five.
I see faces without really seeing. They are faces I know: my mother, my brothers, my love. I know them, but I don’t see them. They are disappearing before my eyes.
Four.
The seconds are dragging, slowed to a crawl by the gun in his hands. I can hear them, ticking away, moving so slowly, and yet far too fast. The gun is exploding, and I am running…
Three.
Out…
Two.
Of time.
One.
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Comments: 6
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I am a great fan of short works that deliver a strong emotion or message; or attempts to try and describe a scene with a few choice words. I believe this piece succeeds with its unique style of space apart sentences [ it really jumps out of the page visually]. The true intent of the piece, in my opinion, is not delivered until seconds number four; with the mention of the gun. At this moment I am suddenly very intrigued and shifted in my seat, eager to see how this wraps up. Not only that, but I am compelled to return and re-read the first few seconds with the idea of 'someone is about to die and living their last moments'. Since the piece is composed of few words, re-reading is no trouble, in fact, it is enjoyable. While some might see this as a form of interruption in the reading, I am not bothered by it and believe the piece flows nicely.
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Style: it's very well used. It's sleek, works well for the suspenseful aspect of the narrators journey. Personally, I enjoyed it, though the excessive use of the word 'time' is not always fitting. (Really, the only place I feel it doesn't fit is in "Seven": "...pounding time against my bones."
Flow: Again, the flow works for the suspenseful aspect of the story. It's edgy.
Abrupt, I think not.
Hope this helped.
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Time is also a human being invention. To the style, I think a steady reduction in size of each segment would work well. Some of 10 could be moved to 9 etc, because most of the statements don't feel tied to the corresponding number.
As to the lines, you have some really good ones early on that caught me and caused me to club ck on the thumbnail instead of summarily deleting. I don't click on things that aren't poems with a strong six first lines often, so at the level of the sentence, this is pretty strong...
Until the gun. I'm with you til then and after, well. . . A countdown ending in death is a big yawn for me. A gun. Running out of time. Its something I've seen too much of and I expected it. This didn't do anything fresh with that idea either. I want this to be open ended, a musing on time leading to the moment the speaker/narrator is about to do something, maybe even just getting out of a cab. Something shockingly mundane. Otherwise it gets the feel of melodrama.
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Hello! This is a very interesting piece, and I love the ending—I certainly didn't expect it at first!
I think the style is wonderful. My main comments are that:
- The last three seconds feel prolonged. I think "[...] out of time" could be included into the last second rather than be split into two; it sounds a little choppy to me.
- Some of the narrator's thoughts could be reworded. For example, you repeat "time" in phrases that I felt it was unnecessary in: "Each beat hammers against my ribs from the inside, pounding time against my bones." "I am slow, too slow, bogged down by the weight of time." Its use sounds awkward here. Another example is in this paragraph: "I see faces without really seeing. They are faces I know: my mother, my brothers, my love. I know them, but I don’t see them. They are disappearing before my eyes." You use "see" a lot, but what does "[...] without really seeing [...]" mean? I feel like you could play around a lot more with description there.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed your story and I hope to see more from you!
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Beautiful style- NOT too abrupt at all- the abrupt nature helps to drive home the point. Small simple statements have their own beauty. Great piece.
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