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I am not ashamed to say I remember. Remembrance is important. I'm not going to lie, I'm at my breaking point now and it's so hard even after all this time. I am in constant paranoia and lie to myself "It's okay" and I am not okay. Not at all but I keep marching forward. It is not that I am not grateful, that I am well aware of the important things in life but I'm disappointed. Disappointed about losing everything. I am ashamed to vent. I despise crying. I heavily resent complaints and trash talk... and... I am more ashamed about stating my opinions. My ideas. I am ashamed I can think. I think of these awful things. Things the most important people in my life tell me to move on from and forget about it but I refuse to. I DON'T LIKE TO THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS I JUST DO OKAY?!... I want to speak up my mind but...
I was so young and arrogant and I didn't know better and I see what was blocking my path and I am still so scared to do anything it's not that I will get hurt again. I already go through that... It's... the fact that I can't help myself. I sprinted this far to the course and I've changed to a person I refuse to be. I am not a depressed person or quiet. I AM COMPASSIONATE AND CARING AND SENSITIVE-- and scared... I'm living in constant loop. I do not like the heavy burden when I wake up in the morning... I used to do stupid things but this was beyond stupid, it was so dumb. Don't worry, it wasn't self harm it was ditching school... I hated that place so much... I couldn't live with them... I COULDN'T! I CRIED ON MY FIRST SPEECH and it was because I was in so much pain and remorse. I wasn't bullied... It was as if I never existed. I was pushed aside... and it's my fault. I let these things happen. I feel too much shards of glass and I never bother cleaning up because I don't have anyone to showcase for. So... I had no will left. No dreams. Nothing. And ...

Now that I see things clearly I resent myself even more... I missed out on so much. I whined too much and I didn't get to appreciate the most important things in my life. I let them leave... because these things I thought... were better off without me. Without a red ribboned anchor. Without this overly sensitive pain of an ass... I asked for too much and I was ungrateful of all the things I had. I realized... I pushed everyone away. All the people. The people that their opinion was my religion passed by me and I couldn't ask them to stay because I knew in my heart I did not fit in. They all fit perfectly and make so much sense but I was too different. And I was so scared to even say anything... I sit here and watch these stars leave my skies... course I have new faces. I love them all with all I have to offer but none of them compare to them. Do I dwell on the past too much? I need to let go? Suck it up?... That's not what I see. I'm stubborn but I accept that. I think its good to be stubborn to some limit. And if it's for what I believe is right then all this dragging my soul around is totally worth it. I to this day have selfish thoughts. I have other people I care for and love to an extreme point... I am so happy to stay for them! I will do anything! //smiles// I am honored...

I feel that this... every time I speak like this, is a guilt trip. Or some thing for people to be "Poor nana" about it. I am not asking for your damn sorry(s)... I want to be noticed for standing after all this time, some one to hold me so close and tell me to keep going and to be proud of who I am. I ask too much yes... but

I want to say

I am happy.

I am happy to be acknowledged.

Thank you.

I want to say thank you all for reading.

I am not ashamed about venting like this. I am just so nervous. Very paranoid. Not of my spelling or anything but because... I don't want to lose others anymore. That's why I don't speak much. I stopped because of this. I stopped smiling and all that stuff because of fear. And I yet keep marching... I know I am slow... people might not even read this because I am not so active or just because it's to damn long and I can't keep things short.

I bottled myself up and broke shit I didn't mean and I never bothered to see what I did wrong and I can't sleep at nights and I am scared about what others think about me because I lost what mattered the most to me. And I am scared even now for posting this... If people read this... they never want to ever hear from me again just because I can't let go or change my views or something like that idk!!! I'M JUST SCARED AND LONELY AND HURT AND I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT ALONE AND I WANT TO AT LEAST HELP... by showing what I feel... and tell you guys to create something rather than destroy...

To draw butterflies instead.

Thank you. I am afraid but I stay.

Description
I am not ashamed to say I remember. Remembrance is important. I'm not going to lie, I'm at my breaking point now and it's so hard even after all this time. I am in constant paranoia and lie to myself "It's okay" and I am not okay. Not at all but I keep marching forward. It is not that I am not grateful, that I am well aware of the important things in life but I'm disappointed. Disappointed about losing everything. I am ashamed to vent. I despise crying. I heavily resent complaints and trash talk... and... I am more ashamed about stating my opinions. My ideas. I am ashamed I can think. I think of these awful things. Things the most important people in my life tell me to move on from and forget about it but I refuse to. I DON'T LIKE TO THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS I JUST DO OKAY?!... I want to speak up my mind but...
I was so young and arrogant and I didn't know better and I see what was blocking my path and I am still so scared to do anything it's not that I will get hurt again. I already go through that... It's... the fact that I can't help myself. I sprinted this far to the course and I've changed to a person I refuse to be. I am not a depressed person or quiet. I AM COMPASSIONATE AND CARING AND SENSITIVE-- and scared... I'm living in constant loop. I do not like the heavy burden when I wake up in the morning... I used to do stupid things but this was beyond stupid, it was so dumb. Don't worry, it wasn't self harm it was ditching school... I hated that place so much... I couldn't live with them... I COULDN'T! I CRIED ON MY FIRST SPEECH and it was because I was in so much pain and remorse. I wasn't bullied... It was as if I never existed. I was pushed aside... and it's my fault. I let these things happen. I feel too much shards of glass and I never bother cleaning up because I don't have anyone to showcase for. So... I had no will left. No dreams. Nothing. And ...

Now that I see things clearly I resent myself even more... I missed out on so much. I whined too much and I didn't get to appreciate the most important things in my life. I let them leave... because these things I thought... were better off without me. Without a red ribboned anchor. Without this overly sensitive pain of an ass... I asked for too much and I was ungrateful of all the things I had. I realized... I pushed everyone away. All the people. The people that their opinion was my religion passed by me and I couldn't ask them to stay because I knew in my heart I did not fit in. They all fit perfectly and make so much sense but I was too different. And I was so scared to even say anything... I sit here and watch these stars leave my skies... course I have new faces. I love them all with all I have to offer but none of them compare to them. Do I dwell on the past too much? I need to let go? Suck it up?... That's not what I see. I'm stubborn but I accept that. I think its good to be stubborn to some limit. And if it's for what I believe is right then all this dragging my soul around is totally worth it. I to this day have selfish thoughts. I have other people I care for and love to an extreme point... I am so happy to stay for them! I will do anything! //smiles// I am honored...

I feel that this... every time I speak like this, is a guilt trip. Or some thing for people to be "Poor nana" about it. I am not asking for your damn sorry(s)... I want to be noticed for standing after all this time, some one to hold me so close and tell me to keep going and to be proud of who I am. I ask too much yes... but

I want to say

I am happy.

I am happy to be acknowledged.

Thank you.

I want to say thank you all for reading.

I am not ashamed about venting like this. I am just so nervous. Very paranoid. Not of my spelling or anything but because... I don't want to lose others anymore. That's why I don't speak much. I stopped because of this. I stopped smiling and all that stuff because of fear. And I yet keep marching... I know I am slow... people might not even read this because I am not so active or just because it's to damn long and I can't keep things short.

I bottled myself up and broke shit I didn't mean and I never bothered to see what I did wrong and I can't sleep at nights and I am scared about what others think about me because I lost what mattered the most to me. And I am scared even now for posting this... If people read this... they never want to ever hear from me again just because I can't let go or change my views or something like that idk!!! I'M JUST SCARED AND LONELY AND HURT AND I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT ALONE AND I WANT TO AT LEAST HELP... by showing what I feel... and tell you guys to create something rather than destroy...

To draw butterflies instead.

Thank you. I am afraid but I stay.