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Description
i feel like i have been dead inside for a couple of years now. no matter what i do, i try to find some way to not do anything productive anymore. class, drawing, socializing, housework, self care. and the worst part is that i cant feel remorse until its too late. whenever i make a poor choice, the consequences just float in my head like a dark, bulging, blood-like blur. just convulsing and writhing in my head, blurring my rational to start trying again. trying to pull me out from static state. nothing gets me to move anymore. not my health, my family, my friends, not even my dreams or my goals. i dont even have goals anymore. i just let the days past by as i do nothing significant. i either feel tired or lazy or burned out or overwhelmed or guilty or sad or hyper or frustrated or confused or scared or (and much more stuff that i cant think of at the moment). my head clouds until i finish doing my damaged by doing nothing and then i am filled with the things that i have listed earlier, all washing through my head till i feel emotionally empty. apathetic to what i am (a human) and oblivious to what surrounds me. i feel like a murder could happen behind my back and i wouldnt be able to recall. everything doesnt work anymore. i cant work anymore. and i despair everytime i cant do something productive. while my head is screaming at stuff i can clearly do. it then gets consumed by that messy, ugly pulsating darkness. making me lose my ability to care and filling my head with apathy. and everytime i come out of it i fall into this spiral of self loathing more and more. getting frustrated with myself for doing what i did: nothing. a rush of emotions leaves my as an empty shell and they end up coming back in full force, filling my body up to my neck with the emotions that i was supposed to feel, causing to convulse and choke (in a metaphorical sense), gagging on the black convulsing darkness and my emotions, trying to swallow them both down, as if it can solve my problems. but if i swallow both of these things down in one big gulp, i will have no darkness but no emotion either. i will be left with nothing. i will feel nothing. i wont feel happiness when i draw, sadness when i lose something/someone i love, intrigue when i see something new, amusement when i tell a joke....despair if i were to die....fear if i were to take my life.

so instead i sit there. with the darkness and emotion mixed in sludge mass in my mouth as both flavors take dominance in the exact patter of the cycle i explained. the title above isnt a statement, but a question. i want to know why i am being like this. i want to know how i can selectively spit out the concoction in my mouth and recover my emotions. but instead, my head believes i shouldnt do anything and let my emotions destroy me in the process. over and over and over and over and over and over oan over and over oander pjdebeqiqfnwrfbwrigb

Description
i feel like i have been dead inside for a couple of years now. no matter what i do, i try to find some way to not do anything productive anymore. class, drawing, socializing, housework, self care. and the worst part is that i cant feel remorse until its too late. whenever i make a poor choice, the consequences just float in my head like a dark, bulging, blood-like blur. just convulsing and writhing in my head, blurring my rational to start trying again. trying to pull me out from static state. nothing gets me to move anymore. not my health, my family, my friends, not even my dreams or my goals. i dont even have goals anymore. i just let the days past by as i do nothing significant. i either feel tired or lazy or burned out or overwhelmed or guilty or sad or hyper or frustrated or confused or scared or (and much more stuff that i cant think of at the moment). my head clouds until i finish doing my damaged by doing nothing and then i am filled with the things that i have listed earlier, all washing through my head till i feel emotionally empty. apathetic to what i am (a human) and oblivious to what surrounds me. i feel like a murder could happen behind my back and i wouldnt be able to recall. everything doesnt work anymore. i cant work anymore. and i despair everytime i cant do something productive. while my head is screaming at stuff i can clearly do. it then gets consumed by that messy, ugly pulsating darkness. making me lose my ability to care and filling my head with apathy. and everytime i come out of it i fall into this spiral of self loathing more and more. getting frustrated with myself for doing what i did: nothing. a rush of emotions leaves my as an empty shell and they end up coming back in full force, filling my body up to my neck with the emotions that i was supposed to feel, causing to convulse and choke (in a metaphorical sense), gagging on the black convulsing darkness and my emotions, trying to swallow them both down, as if it can solve my problems. but if i swallow both of these things down in one big gulp, i will have no darkness but no emotion either. i will be left with nothing. i will feel nothing. i wont feel happiness when i draw, sadness when i lose something/someone i love, intrigue when i see something new, amusement when i tell a joke....despair if i were to die....fear if i were to take my life.

so instead i sit there. with the darkness and emotion mixed in sludge mass in my mouth as both flavors take dominance in the exact patter of the cycle i explained. the title above isnt a statement, but a question. i want to know why i am being like this. i want to know how i can selectively spit out the concoction in my mouth and recover my emotions. but instead, my head believes i shouldnt do anything and let my emotions destroy me in the process. over and over and over and over and over and over oan over and over oander pjdebeqiqfnwrfbwrigb