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Lyswen In reply to niraito [2015-09-18 21:30:35 +0000 UTC]

Hi there, 

I'll answer as soon as I can, but it's getting quite late here, and after those fever-days I realy should be in bed right now... ^^" ( lost track of time in some evening study :/ )
and I want to take enough time to answer to the best of my possibilities to your comment, because those are some honest opinions and questions.

You'll hear from me asap
x
Silke

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niraito In reply to Lyswen [2015-09-19 19:04:01 +0000 UTC]

Thanks. Take care, these were just questions and I can wait for my answers!

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Lyswen In reply to niraito [2015-09-22 19:56:22 +0000 UTC]

ok,

here it goes.

First of all, I want to stress out that these things, as they happened and got revealed to me, is a personal venture.. How I now look on things is just the end-result of that journey. The opinions formed because of that, is again personal. I say this because sometimes people feel threatened when faced with differences, at least I have that still..

I've been part of a church my entire life. They are called the seventh day adventist. Childhood was good there, I've had a lot of friends, things were bright. 

My parents got divorced when I was 14. I won't give you all the details, but the church got mixed in that drama pretty bad. In those months, I haven't only lost my trust in my family, but also in that spiritual place and those people. 

After some years, I've left. God was for me as far away as I could, and I discovered artmaking + my ability to find a story in music as my perfect.. escape, comfort to face the many problems. In those years, my OC Arsillyd was born. 

And jup, fantasy wasn't a problem for me then. Fantasy was neutral, simply another artform, just like magic could be. Not morally bad or good. you had to choose it bad or good. 

So I believed, as long as I had control over this characters personality, made it good, white, pure, I wasn't putting myself in danger. 

As I mentioned in my explanation, I lost track of reality. The characters, Arsillyd, Isamu, they became my refuge, my comfort, because there wasnt any in the real world. (or so I thought) My parents fought, and I was quite left alone. the people from my church also never reached out for me. But even though I was bitter, I never quit searching. I ventured to find the support and comfort I needed, and ended up with all these different people who were somewhat like a surrogat-fathers to me. My mind liked that, thinking that the fantasy could create and build upon what those mentor-like figures said to me. the castles and the realms grew more, and while I thought that I was learning to be independent from the problems, I became dependent on the support of those father-figures and mentors. 

once I realised that, I paniqued, trying to force myself to ban them from my mind and fantasies. The more I tried, the more they got stuck. I broke the first time fysicaly when I admitted to myself that I needed help.. (was sick for weeks). That I didn't have to do things alone.. I just didn't know how I was supposed to do that.. inside my mind, things calmed down a bit too. a few months after that, I came back in contact with the church.. and this sounds strange, but I sensed that a part of the solution was to be found in that place. I gradualy came back, I learned about the creation, a learned about Jezus, got baptized, 

but unfortunatly, things got bad pretty quickly. There were still these old wounds (my mother and sister despized me for returning) and a mind that just didn't know any better what to do when it felt threatened. I again became in this church fully depended on people, but only problem there was, that all these people spoke different. (different opinions etc.). This got so confusing in my mind + the reactions at home,  that this time, it broke me mentaly. I trapped myself for 2 weeks in my student home, I couldn't sleep, days became nights, I barely could come out. I was so afraid. 

Home got word of that, and they somewhat tried to force me to be hospitalized. I stood with firm food on the ground (or tried), that I wanted the Bible to be my solution, That God was my solution. For all these years I've tried to be an answer to things myself, or I depended on others, now it was God's turn. 

The months following ment healing. I went to a centre that provided therapeutical help with the Bible as a base instrument. Very slowly, because things were so complex. My fantasy was an entire construction in my mind built to have an escape from reality, and to allow to feel me safe. But because it wasn't sufficient, I most of the time got dependent on father like figures, which trapped my mind even more; I slowly had to exchange that for reality I didn't want to always go back to those fantasies and hide-outs.. I had to exchange... for the safety that God wants to provide everybody.. And I gladly took it.. the Bible might seem complex.. controversial, but I can assure, it's such a marvelous, filled to the brim with promises, Book about hope, faith and love.. It ment my salvation... and yes, it has sparked in me the tendency to tell more people about it. 

I see for myself now why it can be harmful to linger in fantasy. not just in the bad, but in fantasy as a medium. you lose track of reality, and I think many lies and wrong whispers can be brought to your mind's thinking, making you forever dependant, while you believe you aren't..

I don't dissagree with fantasy because it openly declares that it's evil, 

it's much more subtle. It allows you to declare to yourself that you don't need anybody to be happy. that you, and you only can hold control. and that inside an illusion that never was real to begin with.. 

I hope this answers your questions, and why I felt the need to say my goodbyes to Arsillyd.. 

And again, This is all a result of the things as they personal got revealed to me, the steps I took were personal, and which I wasn't ready for even years after my baptism.. 

To get rid of sin, to allow God to heal what is broken, is something that needs time and prayer, as much as you allow to happen. God never forces us. 

But I can assure you.. The moment I said my goodbye to the fantasy, my energy to go out in the real world never stopped growing, even with so many problems in the family, in the church.., I never want to hide from Life itself.  

if you have any more questions though, don't feel afraid to ask. Same goes for you that you can reply to me trough notes if you'd like that better  

best regards! 

Silke

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Lyswen In reply to FireballStardraco [2015-09-18 21:41:52 +0000 UTC]

thank you,
yes, I didn't quite plan to write it all up now.. But I guess that's just what happened.. 

and thank you  
fever is quite down now, so I just need to rest some more to get rid of the sore skin and muscles, but I'll be fine  

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Lyswen In reply to Houzukigami [2015-09-18 21:49:04 +0000 UTC]

thank you! 
and I'm glad to hear that those words touched you. They were not that easy to write.. I didn't quite plan to write it all up with this piece's upload in the first place.. But I guess that's just what happened.
 
Take care! and thanks for the comment! I hope to do more of these in the future x

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