woxul5 [2003-05-04 15:25:36 +0000 UTC]

Alright...I'll start off by saying that this needs work...though I'm not much of a poetry writer, I think I can point out a few things for you to help you fix it up a bit. I'll try anyway.

I'll start off by saying that you should REALLY avoid using internet slang when you're writing poetry. "ur" should be "your", and so on.

I think that you could make this a lot more emotional and powerful by dropping the cliches, like "bleeding heart" (it's been used so many times). Give this more detail, because as it stands it's sort of just a typical love poem that has no backbone to it.

Try expanding on your vocabulary a bit, making it less cliched. Like, for example, your soul being sold is kind of an overused idea. If you're going to use it, make it original, play with the words more and make it seem like you've just recreated the meaning to that cliche.

If you work with this, dropping words that are bland and emotionless, or just heard far too many times before, and if you give it more detail, this could be really good.

Just mess around with it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

7aydeesplyk [2003-05-02 16:23:12 +0000 UTC]

this is very pretty. a wonderful expression. very full of emotion. beautifully written!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0