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Exactly one year ago, I was alone in my room, crying. Panicking about what was going to happen in a few hours. I was going to leave behind the only life I knew.

One year ago, I was covered in grease, sweat and dirt. I showered once a month. I barely ate. My clothes and bedding were never washed. I was awoken or kept up every night by my drunken mother who would scream at me for no reason. Every night ended in tears until I passed out from exhaustion. I know she tried to be a good mom, and it was my fault she started drinking in the first place.

I had known for five years prior. We had gotten close in 2013 over Animal Crossing: New Leaf. We both found each other at the right time. Our friendship flourished from there. We roleplayed every night and bonded so much. We got so close. I considered her my sister.

would hear what my mom would do over Skype. She would stay up with me for the entire night comforting my as I cried my eyes out. She promised me she'd get me out of there. and were there for me, too. I still can't thank them enough.

She had lived up to her promise, she got me a plane ticket.

The first time didn't work out. My mother had made food that had upset my stomach, and I had taken medication with it, so I was crapping nothing but stomach acid and blood. My mom made me stay home.

, however, was determined.

She called in and got a rescheduled flight. July 13th, 2015. I was terrified.

A year ago today, I braved my fears, and got on the plane leaving from Erie, PA to Knoxville, TN. I cried my eyes out, not knowing what was going to happen. I had only eaten two apples that day.

The moment the plane landed in Knoxville, it started to rain. I couldn't help but to laugh.

When I stepped off it, I immediately became anxious. I worried to myself that she wouldn't want to see me, or they weren't there. I wandered around the airport until I finally spotted her.

She was staring at the ground with her mom rubbing her back. I tried sneaking up on her but I gave up and ended up running.

I swear, I had never seen someone's eyes light up like that.

We hugged for a good three minutes, crying. I had never felt that way before.

The FNaF 4 trailer launched that night. A Tale of Two Stans launched that night. I was scared, but I slept like a rock. I was too afraid to eat for nearly three days until she finally forced me to eat a mini sandwich. It was good.

Time passed. I saw so many new things, tried things I never thought I'd ever try. We moved to Savannah, GA soon after. We celebrated our first holidays together. Countless adventures were had.

Around the 6 month mark, I was starting to feel things that I shouldn't have. Feelings I had been pushing down for a while. Feelings a lot of you guys had seen that I hadn't. I continued pushing them away. I continued pushing the fact that we were ""sisters"" to not seem suspicious, to the point it caused fights with people. I still feel bad.

We got jobs a little quicker than I had imagined. met her (ex) boyfriend there.

I denied the fact that I felt heart broken.

I cried a lot on the job. Tension created a lot of arguements between her and I. My remodel team managers worried for me. Neil saw me crying while I cranked up a shelf, and stopped me to ask if I was okay. Andre stopped me to hug me a few days later when I hid off to myself to complete my projects alone. They kept a close eye on me, helping me whenever I needed it. They were amazing men. I miss them.

The worst night that had ever happened to me happened a few months later.

and I planned a day together, the first one we were going to have alone together in a long time. We were going to go to the park, go to a restaurant, have a great time. It rained, so the park was out, but the restaurant was still good to go.

Until she got that goddamn call.

Her boyfriend had gotten into a car wreck with his little sister there. They were fine, but the car was fucked up. We went to go get them.

They stayed the night instead of going home.

The little sister harassed me all night while they hung out. We went to the restaurant get food with them. I'll admit it now, it was one of the worst nights of my life. It was so hard to put on a happy face. I struggled that entire night trying not to vomit. Every time they kissed it made me physically ill.

I had planned to finally confess to her that night. I was destroyed. I guessed it was god's way of punishing me.

I went to my room without telling them. I cried from 4am until 6am. I was hunched over a bucket gagging, nothing but saliva coming up. I was shaking. I had never so badly wanted to die.

I completely broke down. I had my tools ready. One bottle away, one knife away, it didn't matter. This house has guns. I was going to grab one, go out to the highway, and end it. I had never been that suicidal before. I thought I had been, but I hadn't. After all of the pain I had been through, all of the emotional torment, this is what topped it. I couldn't take it. It felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest. I wasn't able to breathe at all at some points.

I was about to go out to the road until I found a number online.

I called a suicide hotline.

The man's voice was gentle and soft. I sobbed. When he asked me what was wrong, I lied to him. I used an excuse of something that had recently happened to me.

"I cut myself on a box cutter at work. I used to cut. It brought back bad memories."

After talking and sharing about myself, he let me cry. He told me;

"Lydia, you're too young to be calling a suicidal hotline at 6 in the morning. You sound younger than you are. Enjoy life. Get out there and be happy for yourself, no matter how hard it is."

A few nights later, I went out to the secluded road leading to the highway. My religiousness had left me years ago, but out of desperation, I looked to the sky and begged. I remember what I said clearly.

"I'm sick," I had said. I hadn't been sleeping or eating since the incident. It was making work hard. "I'm a sick person. There's no reason for me to be feeling this way, but I am. I can't keep going on like this. I don't want to. So, please--if anybody's listening, just...give me a sign. I don't fucking care what it is. Just make this work. But if it won't, just end me right now. I can't live without her. I know I can't."

I stood there crying.

Fireflies came out. The wind picked up a bit. I stopped crying.

yelled at me to get inside.

Not soon after, she began acting oddly around me. She began making weird remarks. I remember one clearly;

"I wonder what our fusion would look like?"

I thought I was looking into shit too deeply.

At the same time, she met and by chance. She hung out with them first before I met them both. We all clicked immediately.

We remarked how odd it was; they were exact parallels of us. We would say, "they're like gay versions of us." They kept looking at us with this shitty, all-knowing look, the assmunchers.

After talking with them for a while, it lead to a Skype chat with .

We're notorious for talking over Skype text chat even though we live together. We still roleplay actively with each other, so we usually go to our rooms to chill and chat over the computer.

She told me she was reading about something. She was worried. She told me she wanted to tell me but she wasn't sure. My heart stopped. I told her that I didn't care and to go ahead, I told her she could tell me anything. I had a hunch, but I didn't believe it until it happened.

She confessed.

She fucking confessed.

I cried that night. So much. I was hunched over for a different reason this time, relief had washed over me, my limbs were weak. It was the most wonderful, soul-moving emotion I had ever felt. She told me she still wasn't sure of what the feeling exactly was, so she needed time to work it out. I gladly gave her that time, nervously of course, but still gave it to her.

A week or two went by while she tried to sort out her own emotions. and helped us through this, saying that they went through the exact same thing. (The "sister" thing as well)

I had a day off. She worked that day.

I typed out my own confession, which I sent to her on gmail. I texted her and told her to read it on lunch.

We had a bonfire that night. When Cassie came home from work, we memed so much that we freaked out her mom and her mom's boyfriend, who promptly went inside, leaving us alone.

Once they were inside, she spoke.

"So. I read your gmail."

I froze up. I was worried she had changed her mind. She seemed reluctant and confused before, so I was afraid. I just stared down at my booze and listened to the fire, I was too afraid to look up. I remember stuttering.

She told me; "I read it, and I feel the same way. Here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna dump Damien, and after that, it'll just be you and me."

That was two months ago.

Our 2 month anniversary was on the 11th.

And my one year anniversary of being free is today.

In a year, I never thought I'd be here. Free. I have a job, money, food, friends, a mate, I never thought I'd be here. I was sure I'd be dead.

Driving down US 80 with our windows down, the morning sky slowly lighting up everything, and our music playing while we screamed profanities out of the car windows into the cold morning air was something I never thought I'd do.

Going out with real friends, laughing so hard that we nearly pee ourselves, eating good food together, all of this was a lifelong dream that I never thought I'd ever experience.

With and sleeping in our living room, and sleeping in her bedroom, I've never felt so at peace. So happy. So completed. They're my family now. I love them.

So. , ,--if it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't have had the courage to get on that plane. You guys stood up for me when I needed it, and were there when I needed friends. I love you guys so much.

, , if it wasn't for you, I'd still feel half empty. This house wouldn't be a home. I wouldn't have had the courage to confess to Cas. I'd go on wondering what I was missing.

And . My sweet baby. If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead. There wouldn't be a reason to go on. I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have a job, friends, a love, a /life/. You gave me everything, and I owe you the life I have. Every day I'm grateful for what you've done. I still don't know why you love me. But I'm glad you do. I love you so much.

Everybody else reading this, thank you for believing in me. Thank you. Thank you so much. Your support is what keeps me drawing, and what kept me drawing when I was locked in my bedroom, feeling like I'd never be free.

It's been a year of pain and joy. The true start of my life. An entire year. The start of many more.

Now, if you don't mind, I've been up for quite a long time, and I'd like to nap. I feel like I'm starting to make no sense at all.

Thank you for those who reached the bottom of this journal. I appreciate your time. Stay safe today, I love you all. <3