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HawkRider β (KH) Fake - Contest Entry
Published: 2014-04-06 17:42:30 +0000 UTC; Views: 378; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description
"Honey! I'm home!"The silver haired man in the shop didn't respond, simply rolling his eyes. The first man closed the door, locking it behind him. He headed for the back room, quickly pulling off his coat and hanging it on a hook in the small kitchen, filling the kettle and switching it on. He signed in, then headed back to the front of the shop.
"You're an idiot Sora."
"That was a little late," Sora commented idly, automatically beginning to check one of the shelves for any gaps that might fit another book. "You're losing your touch Riku."
"Get the float, will you?" Riku walked behind the counter, opening the software for the till. He unplugged the memory stick that had saved the sale data overnight as it slowly opened up.
"All right." Sora pulled his phone from his pocket, scrolling to his contacts. He walked into Riku's office, looking at the safe. "Last four digits..." He muttered, pressing the appropriate keys. A green light blinked on, and the brunette pulled on the handle. The safe opened, and Sora quickly pulled out a small, stuffed folder before closing the safe again.
"Four thousand munny float," Sora announced, walking back to the shop floor.
"Let's hope they counted it out right for once..." Riku sighed. "I should change my day off. The people on Saturday never count it properly." The silverette took the folder from his colleague, opening it and pouring the coins onto the counter and beginning to count.
"I can handle Thursday if you want," Sora offered. "I know I'm just a volunteer, but I do know how to handle a lot of things."
"There's a reason I take work on the same days as you." Riku pushed aside a pile of a hundred munny, starting on another pile.
"Good to know you trust me." Sora's voice was laden with sarcasm.
"Didn't you start on some tea?" Riku asked, looking up at Sora for the first time.
"Yeah, I... Shoot." Sora darted back into the kitchen, pulling out two mugs and a box of tea bags. He pulled the kettle off of its stand, pouring the water into the mugs and dropping a bag into each.
Sora heard a knock at the door, listening as Riku walked over to unlock the door. "Sorry I'm late guys."
"Don't worry Kai," Sora called from the back.
"You're already doing better than Sora today."
"Hey!"
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"Riku? Can you have a look at something for me?"
"Coming, Kairi," Riku called idly.
Sora stayed in the back room for a few minutes, figuring out which books were unsellable from the most recent donation, before Riku returned with a small camera, looking at it in confusion.
"What happened?"
"Do you think someone would make a fake camera for four thousand munny?"
"It'd probably cost more to fake it. Why?"
"A guy returned this camera and wiped out the float." Riku placed it on the table. "Got any munny on you?"
"Only about a quarter the float." Sora reached into his pocket, pulling out his wallet. "Keep it as a donation."
"Really?" Riku asked.
"Sure. Can't have the float running out."
"Thanks man." Riku nodded in appreciation. "Good time to teach Kairi some more about the till."
"How's she doing?"
"Great. Better than you ever got."
"Thanks. You're such a good friend." Sora handed over the money.
"The best." Riku smirked, taking the money and waving slightly as he headed back out into the shop.
"How did we become friends?" Sora asked wearily.
"No idea," Riku called back. Sora shook his head wearily.
"Guess we're just idiots," Sora spoke, mostly to himself.
"I'll agree with that," Kairi called.
"Shut up!"
Comments: 31
Oh, and also, could you clarify in the description that "fake" is your theme? (Your theme is "fake," right? XD) That one's more obvious since it was on the list of suggested themes, but it'd still be nice to have that clarified.
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Certainly. It's right there now.
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I see it now! Thanks! : D
Lol, more nit-picking.... XD
looking at it in confused
It's good that you added the word "in," but remember to also change "confused" to "confusion" so that it makes sense!
Also, um.... Okay; so, like, if you have a sentence like this:
"Hey, Isa, your epidermis is showing," Lea said with a grin.
There's a comma after "showing" because the sentence Lea is speaking has finished, yet the entire sentence that is being read is not finished yet (there are still the words "Lea said with a grin").
BUT if you have something like this:
"I've quite missed your juvenile sense of humor." Isa's voice practically dripped with sarcasm.
Because Isa's dialogue completes both the sentence that Isa speaks and the sentence that the reader is reading, it does end with a period. So, "His voice practically dripped with sarcasm" is an entirely new sentence.
If you take out the dialogue and just look at what's left behind, you'll see that "Lea said with a grin" is not a complete sentence, but "Isa's voice practically dripped with sarcasm" is. So Lea would get a comma, and Isa would get a period.
I don't know how to explain it better than that...! X'D
So only about half of your sentences were wrong the first time, but when you corrected them, you also uncorrected the other half. X'D
Ohhh, I get it about "float" now! (I've never had to handle money in an official salesperson capacity before. XD)
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Well, hopefully I've fixed it now... I'll check just in case though.
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I respect that's probably what you've been taught, but the comma thing is wrong? You only ever have a comma at the end of dialogue if the speaker hasn't finished and you're adding in extra detail in the midde, eg: "Sora," Riku drawled, "Don't forget to win." Any other time it's a full stop
Dialogue is a sentence in itself that needs a full stop, but it doesn't mean that the whole sentence has finished. You generally assume that you're going to carry on reading on after the final speech/quotation marks. The general rule after a piece of dialogue is that if you're describing the speech or talking about it eg: he said, then you use lower case letters eg: "Sora run." he said as he lowered his shield. If you are starting a new subject, eg: your example up there with Isa, you'd begin with a capitol letter eg: "Sora run." He lowered his shield.
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Not only was I taught those rules during my 16+ years of school, but there are very easy-to-look-up sources that say the exact same thing:
theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/β¦
www.dailywritingtips.com/dialoβ¦
sycophanthex.com/index.php?optβ¦
litreactor.com/columns/talk-itβ¦
www.fictionfactor.com/guests/dβ¦
data.grammarbook.com/blog/effeβ¦
Etc.
What you're saying is completely incorrect.
.........Unless it's different in the U.K., in which case, I have no clue what you guys' rules are; but what I said is correct of works published in the U.S., which I had no reason to believe were any different.
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Must be different UK to US then, because what I said is what I was taught up to A-level. Plus the majority of your sources are blogs, so you're probably just repeating what you were taught as part of the american curriculum, as are they. I'm training to become a teacher though, so I guess this will be interesting to look into when I am teaching grammar, and looking at american vs english literature
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I actually did later look up U.K. vs. U.S. stuff, but the only things that seemed different were that some (not all) U.K. publications never use double quotation marks, and some (not all) U.K. publications have different locations for the punctuation - but the punctuation itself is the same, as far as I saw. U.K. publications might also use more commas than U.S. ones do, but you'd still have a comma at the end of a piece of dialogue that still has more of the sentence after it.
I referenced Web sites because I could actually link to those, whereas mentioning the language handbooks and such that I used in school would be useless to you (I also don't have them anymore, since I no longer need them for schoolwork, and all the information in them in online anyway).
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Yeah I know sweet, I understand, I can't reference my 30-year english teacher either, nor my college tutors and A* coursework, I'm just saying they're all american blogs 
I too researched it and found little to no mention of the commas, so I suspect it's common knowledge, or all in textbooks. There aren't that many sites out there really. The examples they mostly used were dialogues with continuations after the speech tags, or no speech tags at all which is hardly useful. Still. The more you know. Doesn't look right to me with the comma at the end of the dialogue anyway since, to me, it looks like the speech hasn't ended when it has, end of the sentence or not. Looks like the character has more to say. I'm sure that if UK published books had the comma at the end then I wouldn't have noticed when you do it because the notion would be in my subconscious.
It's probably like a color, colour thing; don't notice unless you know about it. Might be why there are so few blogs about
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Yay, another entry!
I'll have to review it properly later, but for now, I just wanted to point out some technical errors I noticed:
Should be, βYou're losing your touch, Riku.β
and
He pulled the kettle off of its stand (no apostrophe, since it's possessive rather than a contraction)
βComing Kairi.β Riku called idly.
The period after Kairi's name should actually be a comma, since the part after it is still in the same sentence. (There should also be a comma after "coming." XD)
Same for: βThe best.β Riku smirked
and anywhere else where a piece of dialogue ends before the sentence does (rather than at the same time).
looking at it confused.
Either there should be a comma after "it," which is correct but has awkward flow, or else change "confused" to "in confusion," which I think is a better fix.
I think this fic could also benefit from some explanatory author's notes for people who are not familiar with some of the terminology; for example, I don't know what "float" means in this context. XD Is it related to photography?
Also, that "+_" part, is that a section break, or something else? If it's a section break, maybe extend it longer so it looks more like a divider. XD
Overall, it's a cute fic, and ordinarily I wouldn't nit-pick like this, but I try to give more concrit on contest entries so they have a better chance of winning!
Thanks for the cool entry, Hawk! : D
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Yep. All things I know I have a problem with. Commas, its and it's, and spelling 'lose' correctly...
And thanks for the tip with the divider. It's just my habit when I'm changing scenes. I'm just really used to it, I guess.
Well, I'm just glad that you enjoyed it. Don't worry about a real review, I'll leave it until the judging to find out how I did. And you're welcome.
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Hate to be the one to point it out but I think the system raberbagirl was teaching you about the comma at the end of dialogue is either wrong or americanised...
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Having been nosey (I read your conversation, sorry) I think I'll still use it. Simply because I never learned grammar.
... I used to hate English, and now look at me.
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Okay... still looks wrong to me though...
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Sorry...
Also, I just started my exams. Fun times!
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well as far as i can research books do it both ways so neither is wrong, but the books i looked at were mostly american writers and they tended to have the comma. As far as I can tell it's an american thing. Do what you want, just looks like a run on to me. No need to apologize.
Good luck!
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Thank you.
Also, I GOT CoHF TODAY! I can't wait until the 19th. I have a TMI fest planned to celebrate the end of my exams. (Also, got a DVD of the film recently).
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DX I have it pre-ordered and it's not here yet DX Haha sounds awesome
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I'm also planning on including TID. Oh, also. My edition has a comic of Tessa and Jem's wedding, and a character pull out.
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OI NO FORKING SPOILERS YOU LUCKY BONGO!
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I'm not saying anything about CoHF. I've not gotten to reading it yet.
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There are still spoilers in the comic
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Yep. I FINALLY got mah book! 
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Not yet. Stupid exams... I'm marathon-ing the series from the 19th.
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Aww hehe good luck with all of the rest of your exams then!
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Thank you. Just four more to go. Hopefully with all the luck family, friends and work mates have wished me I'll be able to pass them.
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Hehe I don't have any doubts that you'll pass them
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Down to three now. One of each subject.
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Sometimes it helps to have a beta-reader. If you're interested, FanfictionDotNet has a whole section where people offer their beta services.
The symbols themselves are fine as a divider, it's just that when it's so short like that, I wasn't sure whether the scene was changing or if dA had messed up your formatting. XD
I did~ I adore any kind of portrayal of Kingdom Hearts platonic love. :3 I will review eventually along with your other updates in my inbox; it'll just probably be a long time, due to my disorganization and busyness...!
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I have noticed that in my Collabs... And I really should give that area more attention. I visited it once, but nothing ever really came of it.
Fair enough. I used to do it every time as well, then I realise just the two worked. I'm used to FF deleting them so I can insert a divider. And I don't update enough here to have really gotten used to it.
You may like to know then, that I have had some ideas for a short story collection in this setting. Just little scenes inspired by where I work. Man, I love that bookshop... And you really don't have to worry about reviewing.
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