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ementhal — Sonnet IX
Published: 2008-04-20 20:21:28 +0000 UTC; Views: 435; Favourites: 8; Downloads: 5
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Description
Pray, what am I if not a living corpse;a puppet hanging by God's fragile strings,
but idling here 'til my perspective warps;
a victim of my own imaginings?
Say, what am I if not a lump of meat,
by some strange energy kept standing straight;
relying on the whims of a dull beat,
like ev'rything of nothing first create.
When, late at night, I lie and try to rest,
and not a sound protrudes from anywhere,
I press my palm against my silent chest
to know that something still is tapping there.
In waiting fervently for every breath,
I put my living off for fear of death.
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Comments: 13
Love your writing, your theme really drew me in. 154 poems to go before we see your book!? Please give a sneak preview and keep posting your poems!
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I'll do my best. 
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omg this is so good the rhythm could be fixed just a little but other than I love it!
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Any particular line where it doesn't go together?
Thank you very much, by the way.
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Not really, it's just a thing I set out to do. I hoped to write 154 of them and then perhaps send them to a publishing company.
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Hmm. I'm not too sure about the theme here. Perhaps you could enlighten me there.
As for the format and rhymes, it was fine. there were two lines that had an extra syllable. The word 'every' may sound like its two syllables, but it has in fact three. You could shorten it with 'ev'ry'.
I have a small problem with your first line. The word '
It's very nice though. The last two lines I like very much so. And mentioning the pulse of the heart as a mere 'tapping' is very moving. Could make one think of how insignificant one really is, or how little things can make glorious things.
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The main theme is the fragility of life and how it mainly consists of waiting for death.
I changed the "every", thank you for that. I tend to forget because I pronounce it like that anyway. About "pray", I see what you mean, but I think I will keep it for the effect on "say" in the beginning of the second stanza, I like them together.
As usual, your help is very appreciated.
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I think it sounds good. Rhythmically, it might be nice with something more in the "relying on the whims of a dull beat", though. Maybe... "of a dull, mellow beat" or something?
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That's one of the problems I've been facing... It's supposed to be ten syllables, every alternate one emphasised, and thus to fit in with the syllables, the emphasis gets a bit of a battering...
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