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camelopardalisinblue — Roses and Coffee
by-nc-sa
#domesticviolence #dv
Published: 2015-04-01 09:28:38 +0000 UTC; Views: 3462; Favourites: 24; Downloads: 0
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Description
Masarm takes his coffee blacklike the collar of his favourite shirt
and the shadow of childhood;
Sally tempers the tartness of taste
with salt and sugar-crusted
petals of roses in her cup.
When he's angry, Masarm
burns fiercely, a brooding
that bites only himself, and Sally,
when she's angry, spits
acid and flings plates
that shatter over his head.
Still, somehow it's always Masarm
who sends flowers; Masarm
who swallows down the bitterness.
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Comments: 10
This poem is creative, surprising, and flawlessly executed. I really can't think of any revisions to suggest. I'm just going to share some of the technical elements that thought were specifically effective.
This poem conveys a lot of information about the characters, Sally and Masarm, but doesn't bog down the flow with superfluous details. Even though the characters aren't described at all, I get a visual sense of them. I have enough of their respective personalities that they are made real for me. I get a sense of their character and of their relationship. The line "shadow of childhood" even gives a sense of history to them. This is balanced by a sense of mystery. There characters are compelling enough that I want to know more about them. This short snapshot is enough to invest me in their story.
The line breaks are very well done, and provide little surprises in the structure of the poem. There are a few places the reader's expectations are turned on them. The use of language is very good. Most of the action in the poem is driven by strong and appropriate verbs. The language chosen also conveys mood and emotion very effectively. The imagery is concrete and powerful. It engages multiple senses to give the reader a sense of place.
I don't have much more to add. The poem is controlled and economical. It does a lot in a short space. Very effective and flawlessly executed.
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goodness. i've followed your writing for a while, and i've always known you can do fiction like a fiend, but who knew you were an incredible poet too? the imagery here is perfectly delectable. the first stanza was a treat, but the second stanza just startled me with the strength of its flavor. and wow. i am just plain amazed.
i love how roses and coffee temper each other. that is a lovely thing to think about.
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Masarm takes his coffee black
like the collar of his favourite shirt
^I absolutely love how this sounds when you read it outloud.
This is a tight poem and I think it says a lot in a few short lines. I love the coffee v anger management juxtaposition going on here. Seriously, well done.
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First of all, the imagery in this is just amazing. I feel like I can taste so many of the words here - if that makes sense lol.
And then I love how it starts off having both positive and negative in each stanza, moves swiftly just into the negative, and then ends on an almost-positive note. The transitions between all those emotions are done just perfectly.
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Wow! So amazing!
Sally tempers the tartness of taste
with salt and sugar-crusted
petals of roses in her cup.
Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!
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This is beautiful and just so sweet 
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Beautiful use of the image. 
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