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bitybaby45 — Untitled
Published: 2012-06-15 10:05:50 +0000 UTC; Views: 69; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description It's as though we're all in slow motion,

Like we're all treading water in this godforsaken desert

Because the valley's filled up and no one can swim, but it's alright;

I can fix it.


Or are we all floating

Someone turned the gravity off, you lawbreakers--

There's nothing to hold on to! No trees, no ropes, but it's alright;

I can fix it.


Shit, no that's not it at all!

We're all burning, blistering, melting and rotting

The sun is my enemy, we're on fire, we're on fire! Hey, it's alright!

I can fix it.


Here I am.

Waterlogged, heavy, and singed.

I saved you (who didn't need saving),

But forgot to save myself.

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Comments: 2

Bark [2012-06-15 11:48:45 +0000 UTC]

Interesting, but the metaphors of burning and drowning together come across as a little muddled to me. You might want to cut "It's as though" from the last stanza, it doesn't seem necessary. All in all, I think it's worth working on, the idea is solid.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

bitybaby45 In reply to Bark [2012-06-15 16:27:23 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much! I'll do that.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0