squanpie [2010-06-06 11:03:54 +0000 UTC]
hmmm. Firstly, take a look at that second paragraph - the first sentance could do with a bit of work, maybe split it up a bit, and change a few words. It's a bit clumsy to read as it is.
Secondly, You've got two metaphors here - the sky's orchestra, and the rain army - and they don't quite mix as it is. Ideally you'd be using just one extended metaphor, maybe by turning it into an opera or some sort of army band (e.g. drums of war - although that's a little further from what I think you've got in mind). That way the raindrop soldiers can be part of the orchestra.
I quite like the sci-fi elements, although maybe a hint earlier on that the storm is unatural would help it work better in that respect - it's not as if it's a major plot twist or 'big reveal,' just a fact about the setting and explaination for the terror of the storm.
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