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BeeZeroOne — The Sky's Orchestra
Published: 2010-06-06 09:07:41 +0000 UTC; Views: 264; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 6
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Description         The sky's orchestra conducted the weather into a cacophony of rain and thunder, as we sheltered in the flimsy hut.
        "At least it's warm in here," I lied, turning to Elle. She curled herself up in the one-roomed building's only chair, her blank eyes staring through the broken windows.
        The water held dormant so long in the clouds, hanging and drooping like the gardens of Babylon, had finally given way, forming a millions-strong army that launched freezing cold spears against the roof of the hut. Some of them managed to break the line of defence, and water slowly but steadily leaked onto the hut's wooden floor.
        Elle continued to stare. Where she was looking, the world as we'd known it no longer existed. The storm had torn it apart, not immediately, but as the army assaulted, driven by the score of a mad orchestra, it had eventually prevailed. Now as the clouds of all the world began to lose their grip on the sleeping oceans, all the world was going to meet the same fate. This hut probably wouldn't last more than a day.
        "Elle? Elle, I'm here for you. Don't worry."
        The army had infiltrated her eyes, and several of their ranks were beginning to seep slowly down the child's face.
        "It's just a storm. We're going to be okay."
        The flash of light in the distance signalled the coming of another of the orchestra's dissonant hits; the rumble of the sky's anger followed, and the rain army surged downwards. The noise on the hut's roof destroyed any semblance of calm in the shelter. The army's tactician, the wind, detected a weakness in the stronghold and changed its direction, whistling the icy javelins through the gap where a pane of glass once stood in defence. The rain stung my face, sending a chill right through my body.
        "Mummy's still there," Elle said in a voice void of hope. "Isn't she?"
        I looked where she was looking, squinting against the rain and looking at the torn buildings. These buildings weren't designed to take storms like this. This was the first storm that had hit the world for decades, the first one since the researchers had launched their machines into the sky. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. They'd promised a new world, a world with no famine, no drought, a world where the rain could be summoned as and when it was needed. Of course things never work out like that, do they? It's always miraculous this, breakthrough that, and then everything all backfires. They didn't realise just what they'd done, whether it was just a mistake in their calculations, a screw up in the actual machinery, or if it just plain wasn't meant to happen. The machines stored the rainwater, sure; they just weren't able to release it, and now after decades of drought, the loss of nearly all the reservoirs, the sinking of the oceans to the point that what had been islands now seemed like impossible mountain ranges, the machines had finally broken down, and the sky had given way. The towns built down here, in the lake basin, were all doomed. We were doomed.
        "She'll find a way out," I said, trying to keep my voice as clear as possible. "We did, right?"
        "Promise me," Elle said. "I don't believe you."
        "Elle, you know her. She'll probably build some new plane out of things lying around in the lab, something like that. And she'll come by and pick us up." I didn't believe what I was saying for one second, and I could feel my own tears starting to well up as I watched the water swirl and roar in the distance, devouring the town that had been our home.
        Elle sat in silence, watching the storm with me. The water level was rising, and the orchestra made another noise like the death of the sky itself. The hut wasn't much higher than the town, just on a nearby hill. We had to leave, and soon.
        "Come on Elle, we have to go," I said. "The water level's still rising."
        "But what about Mummy?" Elle asked, her voice breaking and stuttering. "Where is she?"
        I hoisted Elle to her feet, and looked her straight in her eyes, shining wet with her tears and the rain. "We have to go, otherwise we might not make it through the storm," I said. "Please trust me."
        She nodded slightly, looking past me at the window and the spot where the town used to be. I grabbed onto her hand and led her to the doorway on the other side of the hut, peering through the army's smokescreen and trying to see any possible shelters. It didn't look like there were any more buildings; from here, the land sloped upwards, getting steeper and steeper until it was almost a sheer cliff near the top. And on top of it, hope; the old land, inhospitable for years. It beckoned to me, its solid rock shrugging off the assault from above.
        "Elle, are you ready?" I asked, feeling my heart protest against what I was about to do. She half-nodded, gripping my hand tighter and staring through the window. The look of determination on her face, the fire in her eyes, shone like a beacon in the despair of the storm.
        "Just hold on to my hand, and don't let go," I said. "And don't let go."
        I flung open the door, exposing us to the storm and letting the wind blow the sharp spikes of water across us. Within seconds we were drenched to the skin as I led the way, scrambling up the muddy hill, almost slipping a few times but keeping on upwards, my eyes burning with the rain that stabbed into them.
        "Dad, come on!" Elle shouted. I blinked and stared through the blur of the world; she was higher up the slope than me now, standing taller than I'd ever seen her stand, her hair flying through the air like snakes in the wind.
        I nodded and carried on forward, moving at the same pace as Elle in the rain that threatened to tip the balance of the world over the edge and plunge reality under the oceans. I took a fevered glance backwards; the hut was still standing, just, but its roof was beginning to come loose, the wind lifting it up and prising away the last remaining shelter on the path to the top of the slope.
        The rocks formed an alliance with the sky, and began stabbing at my feet through the torn soles of my feet. The rain continued to batter at my face, freezing cold and needle-sharp. Elle let out a little cry and slipped, scraping her elbow open on one of the sharp rocks. I pulled her to her feet and we carried on, forcing our way through the wall of water, over the bed of jagged rocks, and upwards. The orchestra boomed behind us, lightning's cruel strobe exposing the monstrous shadows of the rocks we were scrambling over. I felt a fresh cut open on my left foot, ignoring the pain and moving further into the stifling water.
        "Dad watch out!" I almost heard Elle say, her voice rushing away like it was late for a meeting on the wind. I look up and see a rock heading straight for me. I have to move to evade it but can't, and it catches me square on the head.

        Blurry vision what's that? Army of rain orchestra of sky wind blowing piercing skin. Someone pulling hauling me who? Elle here pulling me upwards. Can't think straight. Head bleeding, can feel the sting. World collapsing rocks falling cliff above town destroyed. Army of rain orchestra of sky. Falling rocks world collapsing someone pulling hauling me upwards. Through rain through wind through apocalypse everything ending. World collapsing Elle here someone pulling vision fading world blackening.
        World blackening.
        World fading.

        Another world returning.
        Elle still here.
        Orchestra distant.
        Dream?
        Or hope?
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Comments: 4

squanpie [2010-06-06 11:03:54 +0000 UTC]

hmmm. Firstly, take a look at that second paragraph - the first sentance could do with a bit of work, maybe split it up a bit, and change a few words. It's a bit clumsy to read as it is.

Secondly, You've got two metaphors here - the sky's orchestra, and the rain army - and they don't quite mix as it is. Ideally you'd be using just one extended metaphor, maybe by turning it into an opera or some sort of army band (e.g. drums of war - although that's a little further from what I think you've got in mind). That way the raindrop soldiers can be part of the orchestra.

I quite like the sci-fi elements, although maybe a hint earlier on that the storm is unatural would help it work better in that respect - it's not as if it's a major plot twist or 'big reveal,' just a fact about the setting and explaination for the terror of the storm.

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BeeZeroOne In reply to squanpie [2010-06-06 11:37:07 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the feedback

I know it was sloppy, probably one of the worst flash fics I've written - I was just bored and needed something to write. I might go back to this at some stage, if I feel like it. I'm just warming up with a few random flash fics for when I do a second draft of one of my novels this summer

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squanpie In reply to BeeZeroOne [2010-06-07 13:15:59 +0000 UTC]

haha, fair enough.
I haven't written anything in so long I expect that when I do one day maybe next year I'll be extrememly rusty too

ah well, good luck getting back into it all!

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BeeZeroOne In reply to squanpie [2010-06-07 19:23:12 +0000 UTC]

Thanks

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