squanpie [2008-12-19 21:11:53 +0000 UTC]

I like the theme, and I like how you've described the candle's actions - I can actually imagine what it would be like to have a conversation with a candle. The bit I'm not entirely sure about is where they are running away fromt he desk, yet not going anywhere. It took me a while to understand what was happening there.

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leoraigarath [2008-12-19 20:37:06 +0000 UTC]

This was a good read, the plot is interesting, leaving enough room for mystery and imagination to run wildly around. But it doesn’t feel perfected, there are quite some things here that feels like need filing.

Let’s start with the first paragraph – if it wasn’t a short prose I wouldn’t say anything about it, because in long prose things can go slow. But since it’s short, and supposed to be to the point and interesting from the very first line, I think that it’s not fast enough, or exciting enough. I don’t think it’s the plot, but the wording. For few examples, the word “instantly” does not put enough tension on the first line, because it’s just that kind of word. Instead you should consider using a bit more dramatic description, like – the instant, immediately as, right before – something that has more edge to it, if you get what I mean.
Also try to think of this paragraph as – to the point, making things strong in feeling. For example, the line “but there didn’t seem much point in complaining about it” – how does it contribute to the feel of the story? What does it offer to the reader besides a general comment? Is it that important? Will it look stronger without it?
Another point is - but there didn’t seem much point in complaining about it; it took up the whole corridor I was trying to walk through.
One thing that I always disturbing is when the same word appears next to each other, like the – “it; it”. for some reason it always seem strange and disturb the flow for me, although it might be just me. Worth a consideration.

Those three issues are something I recommend doing with the entire story, not only the first paragraph. In short prose I would consider each and every line, look how it contribute or disturb the big picture, and try to see how things would look with/without it - no matter how much I like that line. There are some lines that I love so much, really came out wonderful, but it’s just not fitting anywhere.
Try rereading the story and think about those stuff as you do it.

I started to read the ancient handwriting. “I’m not sure where I am right now. But it wasn’t where I was before. There doesn’t seem to be anywhere I can go. The candle is all I have with me.”
This is something that took me a while to realize but when I started hearing those podcasts about writing historical fiction they mentioned it quite a lot. The thing is – when you use the word Ancient to describe the text, it looks very strange if the text is not actually written as something ancient. The text here is very modern, maybe try to make the language you use here more old, or you can change the description of the text.

The paragraphs -

I placed it back down, and turned around slowly…The desk was still exactly where it had been. and My hands shaking, I went back to the desk…The computer screen was on and buzzing lightly; I squinted at the tiny font that was on it.

Those were a bit confusing to read, and I think that it needs more sorting out, so it would be a bit clearer on first and swift reading. I’m not sure what to do there, but it feels a little confused, a little strange. It seems like you can write them better

From this point in the story on I really liked and enjoyed how things are moving – it becomes really interesting, especially the conversation with the candle. I still would have reread everything with those questions in mind, trying to sort things out even more and make it more tight and gripping, but it’s a very good and solid direction. I also loved the ending of the story, it’s strong and leaving a lot of room to the imagination fo the reader, as short prose fiction should.

All in all, it’s a very good structured story, but I feel like there’s still a lot of room to improve it. Hope this helps you out

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AGMeade [2008-12-19 19:03:54 +0000 UTC]

Huh. I really like this one! I'm a little surprised that no one has commented yet. There were one or two sentences that were a tiny bit clunky for me, but this was a great piece.

Good job!

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