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Barnaby — crass calvary
Published: 2006-02-02 02:35:01 +0000 UTC; Views: 314; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 21
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~This is your crucible
and on your way
you kick a tin can full of nails
pass by the yucca and the eucalyptus tree
reach a crossroads and stop to let time go on ahead.
~
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Comments: 29
Your journal talks about girls and babies a lot.
Or maybe I just need to read further.
I like how you mentioned eucalyptus trees in this poem; it reminds me of koalas.
My mom has some lotion with eucalyptus in it. She was so happy about getting it because apparently it's popular and hard to get a hold of.
I don't know if you should put squigglies on your poem, but I guess it makes it antique-like. I would just as soon make the words italicized.
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squigglies are just to add blank space before the poem starts and a little space after it ends.
i'd never "italicize" the words - as that is a BIG no no!
i do talk about women quite a bit - but that is just because they are an obsession - and the babies thing is an aspiration
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oh, I didn't realize that about italics. Some of my friends use them in their writings, and I never paused to question whether it was good or bad. Mostly it changes the way my voice sounds to me inside my head while I read the poem.
You aspire to have babies?
You're strange, I think. Not in a bad way, however. I've just never met anyone that has such an aspiration.
I'm sure that the black haired poetry chica with black glasses is waiting in a coffee shop for you somewhere, though. If you were in America I would tell you to look for her at Starbucks.
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in a way, i agree with :devidmusicalnymph: about omitting the and; however, since the whole piece readily does without punctation, i believe you would have to punctuate the former lines, and following lines; but with that, i despise lines ending in commas, so there is the predicament.
not taking that into account, its quite the piece.
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omit the correction and the boy never learns.
cheers for the increase in the length of your interaction.
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cheers, for, well, just, cheers!
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What struck me most about this was the constrast between the first three and the last two lines of this poem; it works very effectively. There's harsh, biting imagery ("kick a tin can full of nails," for instance) at the beginning, and what I took for a more biting tone; and then it transitions very nicely into the softer biblical imagery of the trees. The end weirdly grounding (the casualness of "go on ahead" works to emphasize this), almost sobering--it made the poem for me. Really great piece.
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I think you should get rid of the and between yucca and eucalyptus tree and perhaps just put a comma.
All of the things coming from you are just brilliant.
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all new too. should i keep going?
gimme a topic and it may prompt something. we'll see.
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Write something true and something which means the world to you- all the rest will follow.
Of course you should keep going.
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most of what means the world to me isn't true.
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then lie.
all us writers are awfully good at that.
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provokingly conceptual.
jinglahobdopple-ish. out there, knowing-
what's not.
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you've got all the right pieces.
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fly towards the flame,
no matter why.
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live only a few days.
if i were a moth i'd panic.
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if a moth were human would it fancy expensive shoes?
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if a moth were human it would be a pyromaniac.
but i'd put it in stilettos anyway.
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if it promotes thought then it is great. what more could i wish for?
a pony? well, yes.
thank you for the comment.
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PONIES!!!!
NEIGH!
+gallops off+
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