anythingforyou15 In reply to abbycadabby92 [2010-04-28 19:51:51 +0000 UTC]

FUCK, i can't even write a god damn poem?
fine, i'm not suicidal, i don't want to hurt myself, i'm actually really really really happy.

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abbycadabby92 In reply to anythingforyou15 [2010-04-28 21:16:48 +0000 UTC]

alright, if you write about killing yourself its art then and not something i should be concerned about. cause im done, laura.

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anythingforyou15 In reply to abbycadabby92 [2010-04-29 00:46:05 +0000 UTC]

obviously you're done.
i'm sorry you feel the way you do,
and i really don't even know what to say
because i believe you're being unreasonable and ridiculous.

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abbycadabby92 In reply to anythingforyou15 [2010-04-29 15:51:09 +0000 UTC]

diddo, babe.

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anythingforyou15 In reply to abbycadabby92 [2010-04-29 16:44:37 +0000 UTC]

do you know why i write poetry?
i write it to outlet my emotions.
[this is related, trust me]
so i have urges to down whole bottles of medicine
and i want to die and stuff like that.
so that's true, but because i have urges and because i want to do things
doesn't always mean i'll do them.
sometimes the only way to get the thoughts out of my head is to write them down.
and you and sam are the only people i know on deviantart in real life
and i figured that since you were my friends i didn't have to hide anything from you guys
so it wouldn't be a big deal if i post my thoughts [poems] on this site because i don't know anyone else
and i'm never gonna meet them. you know?
that's why i don't understand why you're so upset about things i've posted on deviantart.

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abbycadabby92 In reply to anythingforyou15 [2010-04-29 17:51:57 +0000 UTC]

let me start off by saying, i have no problem with you letting out your emotions through art."but because i have urges and because i want to do things
doesn't always mean i'll do them."
how the hell am i supposed to know that you wouldnt go through with it. im not you. isnt a good thing that im concerned? dont tell me to not take it seriously or care because if you were to commit suicide, these would all be signs i shouldve paid attention to.
im not being ridiculous.
it would be ridiculous to not care about it at all.

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anythingforyou15 In reply to abbycadabby92 [2010-04-29 19:30:17 +0000 UTC]

I'm not saying I never meant it because I have but recently they've been urges. So basically you're not friends with me because I'm suicidal.
If you cared you wouldn't be pissed right now. I understand frustrated but I don't understand mad. Don't take your anger out on me.

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abbycadabby92 In reply to anythingforyou15 [2010-04-29 21:37:44 +0000 UTC]

Laura,
im not mad at you because youre suicidal, so get that out of your head.
im not taking 'my anger out on you', im letting out the anger that ive had towards you for awhile.
i want you to be happy, but the fact that you disregard everyone except yourself, and then not take your pills, or do something 'drastic', like not pulling your sleeves down. thats the shit i dont like. so dont play this whole 'dont be mad at little old me' card. youve been manipulating people, using them, and shutting people out.
my reasons for being angry are justifiable, and no one can tell me otherwise.
stop acting like a victim of depression. we've all been there, but we're not dragging people into it or purposely making others worry. just seriously, if you cant understand that you did some damage, then don't even reply, because obviously this will be some never-ending dispute.
i want the best for you, but im done sticking my neck out and getting ignored and shot down.
i told you before everything you have to live for and you attempted suicide. im done trying to help you. im detaching.
what more do you even want?
how the fuck am i supposed to handle people like that?
also, again how am i supposed to determine your suicidal 'urges' from real suicide. i mean, if i had ignored all the things youve said and done about you wanting to kill yourself, youd criticize me for not caring.
so either way im doing it wrong in your eyes.

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anythingforyou15 In reply to abbycadabby92 [2010-04-30 00:32:01 +0000 UTC]

Okay, well i guess i needed to hear you say that's why you're not mad because it was still rather confusing for my tiny brain to wrap around.
i never knew you had been so angry at me all this time, i wish you would have talked to me before this blew out of proportion.
how to i disregard everyone? you mean the fact that i believe people don't care?
i want people to not care because it would make some of the stuff i do easier, so if i pretend like you don't maybe you won't.
how is rolling up my sleeves because i'm sweating balls fucking drastic? please explain that to me.
you can be mad at me. and you will be, because we're not going to be able to be friends after this.
sam shuts people out. you don't mind
i'm not acting like a victim. i'm sorry you don't like the way i cope? i mean really, what else is there. how am i dragging people down with me?
i never intend to make people feel bad or worry. it's not like i sit there and think "what can i do today that will make someone worry about me"
i understand that i hurt you, i get it.
and i also believe i said that's a part of who i am, i hurt people and it's not okay.
you don't stick your neck out for me, babe. i never ignored you and i may have shut you down but not on purpose so i could hurt you.
i guess you're not supposed to handle "people like me"
i would not have criticized you for not caring, don't make fucking assumptions.
and you have no idea what i think, which is why this argument is so out of hand.
and i don't even get to say goodbye in person [not a fucking suicide anything].
so here it goes now:
goodbye, and i'm sorry for all the times that i've hurt you and let you down.
i just thought i had someone i could count on who would understand what i'm going through and how i'm a bit more childish and unable to cope like i should. i never meant to be a selfish uncaring person, because i care about you a lot.
and think how much it would hurt if i ran off with one of your friends that i met through you.
i wish it didn't have to end like this.
but... bye.

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abbycadabby92 In reply to anythingforyou15 [2010-04-30 20:38:02 +0000 UTC]

first off,
i didn't run off with sam.
and the fact that i met her through you doesnt even matter.except for the fact that youre jealous whenever sam is around anyone. you even told me you hate it when shes around other girls
so you dont think i stuck my neck out for you? so i never cared enough?
i always ask whats wrong and you put on a pouty face and say nothing. and thats where it all stops. if you really wanted me to believe that there was nothing wrong, youd make it more believable. you want people to know youre in pain, not for a cry for help but a cry for attention.
and sleeves? when you bring the blade down, you make the choice to sweat your balls off. otherwise, people notice and worry. you know that. i know that. everyone knows that. and another thing about scars and if you have a really bad habit about it, is that there are ways to conceal them. scratching them up to your hand or your wrist, well of coarse people are going to see them if your sleeves are up.
and yes, i do dislike the way you cope.
your idea of coping is :
creating the problem
shutting people out
bringing them in again
and acting like an emo bitch
also,
youre a cheater
you think nathan feels just dandy when you say things like "i miss sam. i love sam" to him? whether you realize it or not, it does hurt him, hes just to afraid to tell you because he thinks you'll kill yourself. everyone, including me up until now, has been afraid to tell you shit, because you over react. example: when i told you at lunch everything you have to live for and you just left and then later said that nathan saved your life from overdosing. and that night? you went to fucking work.
as for sam, you have done damage.
she loved you immensely and you just went off with nathan, while simultaneously trying to get with sam. you do not deserve to hold her hand. you do not deserve her love. you do not deserve sam.
nathan is obviously going to stick with you through thick and thin, so youre really blessed.
why is it that you would call nathan when you were about to commit suicide? to worry him? or because you knew that he would put up with that shit?

oh and you "dont want people to care because it would make everything you do alot easier"?
easier for you to self-destruct?
well have fun, bitch.
because youre losing people who care about you right now so we can make it easier for you. because im done standing by watching this.

sam does not shut people out.
she distances herself from getting hurt.
you ignore people so that you can hurt them. example: in your photography class where you wouldnt talk or even respond to a hug. you just sat there.
ive seen you do it a million times since i met you.

and borderline personality disorder?
it does not excuse the things you do
my mother has it.
hell, i probably have it.
but you cant blame your bitchy attitude on a personality disorder. much to your disliking, you have control over your actions.
i remember you asking me, "dont you wish you had real problems so that you could feel the way you do?" no. i had reasons to feel like shit, and i didnt wish for shit to happen to me.

and that whole shit about you being raped or whatever? or that you think you were raped? i dont know if thats true and neither do you.
i feel like you just look for things to make yourself 'more interesting' when really they just make you a shitty person.
lets see:

sam had bulimia and anorexia and has ocd and is bipolar. and for while shes out of school she starts having panic attacks

laura. she goes through a bulimia/anorexia stage in her life, out of the blue, cant touch doorknobs and aligns things by color, and changes her moods from week to week. and about after you found out that sam was having frequent panic attacks, you supposedly did too.

also, if you ever even really cared about our friendship, why did you sit by while i self-destructed? why did you enable me to take pills and shit or binge? on my part, i apologize for never taking any action to get you help, because i knew you were already seeing a psych. but it was almost like you were okay with it. you wanted people to be as miserable as you.

im above that immature shit now and i didnt need a perfect boyfriend to do that either. i just realized how much time i had wasted and how much better i could feel if i let others help me.

i hope one day you stop self destructing.
i hope one day you stop using people.
i hope one day you realize how dumb all of this was and how many years of your life youve spent being miserable.

ive done enough to try and help you. and im still not even sure if you think i helped or not. but i did. im not going to come over every time you want to kill yourself like nathan does.
being suicidal doesnt make you an interesting person. it makes you selfish
if you want to go to laurelwood or something, i think that would be amazing.
but i know you wont want to, because youre pretty satisfied with how shitty everything is right now.
this is done
we're never going to agree.
i have no problem with you saying anything to my face.
bye.

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unrealityxx In reply to abbycadabby92 [2010-05-01 06:20:32 +0000 UTC]

i just wish i could explain everything and have you listen.
because it's really not like that at all.
you're twisting absolutely everything that i've done or said in the wrong way.
i have endogenous depression, that means it's caused biochemically.
you probably had exogenous depression which is situationally caused. i meant by the whole wishing something happened thing like this: i don't know why i feel like i do when my life is kinda okay, and i wish i knew why i felt like this. so if something had actually happened, i would know then.
i was taught in dbt that you should call someone if you're feeling suicidal so they can talk you down and help you get through it.
everyone does that. you've even done it. when people say "what's wrong" and you shrug and saying nothing but it's still obvious that something is wrong. it happens. sometimes it's really hard to hide and you just give up. i wasn't trying to hurt you. i would never intend that. ever. i hate hurting people.
i've been having panic attacks since 9th grade; lots of people have weird ticks like my not liking doorknobs. i didn't know it bugged you so badly.
because i'm human and i fucked up. we make mistakes and i'm sorry my mistake had to be not taking action when i needed to. i thought i was there for you and i tried to help but i'm just not as good at it i guess. i really don't know.
i realize a large chunk of my life has been wasted but that doesn't mean i can magically jump out of this. i honestly don't know why i'm not completely better. i sometimes think i will always feel this way. but i can tell you i'm a lot better from five years ago, four, three, and even two. even last year.
i never said it made me interesting. in fact i said i was boring. all the time. and i've also said how selfish i am. i realize this, it doesn't stop the thoughts from coming.
i don't think you would put up with me crying.
you would tell me to get the fuck over it and stop trying to get attention.
but i can only hold in tears so long.
and seeing you in person and talking to you would be so hard without tears.

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abbycadabby92 In reply to abbycadabby92 [2010-04-30 20:47:40 +0000 UTC]

another thing,
another example of getting attention,
is telling facebook your problems.
threatening to delete friends really?
you dont even care about your 'friendship' with me. you just care that you lost sam.
and im sure posting your new da account to your facebook, wont make anything public.
your attempts at trying to make people feel guilty for not being your friend is just another example of how shitty you are to people.

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unrealityxx In reply to abbycadabby92 [2010-05-01 06:09:52 +0000 UTC]

you know...
i care very deeply about my friendship with you.
i care that i lost sam, but i realize that it was time for that to be over and that we both needed to move on.
i'm more hurt over you than i am over her.

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unrealityxx In reply to abbycadabby92 [2010-05-01 06:08:47 +0000 UTC]

how did i tell facebook my problems?
all i did was delete the people who don't talk to me.
and i got rid of that da post by the way because i realized it was a bad idea.
how am i making people feel guilty?
i'm not and i'm not trying to.

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anythingforyou15 In reply to garrettguardgirl [2010-04-28 19:52:08 +0000 UTC]

thanks, but i guess it's not needed. i'm a really happy person.

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