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Vent about my abusive father

My father has been abusive off and on throughout my life, and as always made me feel worse about myself, but lately it seems to have gotten worse. He's super demanding that I pay him rent, $250 a month, plus I have to pay him $500 on top of that for other expenses he pulled out of his ass. Every time he talks to me, he's asking me for money. He seems to think it'll teach me responsibility, but all it does is make me feel like shit. I'm trying my hardest to get enough money to move out and move in with my fiancé but he's making it harder. He flip flops all the time. One second he wants me out of his house as soon as possible and is always reminding me I can move out if I come to him with any grievance, the next he's preventing me from going anywhere because I'm not "mature enough," and because he doesn't want me to move to Missouri. He keeps reminding me that the people there are hicks, they're republican, they're anti-LGBT and they want to take away planned parenthood. But none of that matters to me. The love of my life is there, and thats all that matters to me.

He practically forces me to be more actively LGBT. I told him I was bisexual and ever since then he's sent me LGBT posts on Facebook, made LGBT jokes around me, and wants me to go to parades and stuff. It makes me extremely uncomfortable, because I'm still mentally closeted. I don't want to blast my sexuality because I know someone out there is going to hate me for it and I don't want to give them the opportunity. When I tried to tell him that, he told me I was taking my privilege for granted and I should be grateful that he's so accepting of me.

He constantly treats me like a lower-class citizen in our own home. He talks down to me, purposefully dumbs things down to a level that is extremely insulting. For example, I came home from work one night. I was super exhausted and wanted to take a shower and go to bed. He stops me the second I walk in, and says I need to take the trash bin outside and take it all the way down to the dumpster, open the dumpster, pour in the trash, take it back, put in a new bag, and put the lid back on. He said it was my fault no new bag was put in, even though Monique(his wife) was the one to take it out last, shouldn't it have been her responsibility? And if she didn't have time, why didn't anyone say something to me? When I told him that he was sounding accusatory, he said "I don't care. Do it." When I said he was a very rude person, he said "What part of 'I don't care' don't you understand?" To which I responded "I know you don't care but I'm gonna say it anyways." Monique replied "Mmm you probably shouldn't, if you want a place to live."

My living situation is always ambiguous. I don't know if one minute my dad is going to yell at me to get out or if he's going to harass me about money. I want to leave, but he won't let me. He tells me to go, but I can't. He takes my money, preventing me from leaving. I feel trapped and scared. I feel as though one of these days he's going to hit me, so I live my life in stressed terror.

I feel as though I have no privacy. My dad constantly invades my space, ridiculing how it's messy or there's trash. Everything is always made to be my fault. The dogs poop on the carpet in a spot that's hidden? My fault for not cleaning it. The cat sprays litter everywhere? My fault for not cleaning it. Packages were delivered while I was taking a shower? My fault for not bringing them in.

Here's an example of just how inconsiderate my dad is. My dad and Monique are watching TV, and I go into the kitchen to get a glass of water. The dishwasher had finished running, and was on Dry(aka the dishes were cooling down). So I opened it, grabbed a glass, and drank some water. Monique asks if I turned the dish washer back on. I told her that it was on Dry. My dad asked a few minutes later if I turned the dishwasher back on. I said it was on dry and it didn't matter, they were just cooling off. Then he asked again, asking if the dial was switched to Clean. To which I angrily said that it didn't fucking matter, and stormed off.

Oh yeah, did I mention that my father doesn't even want to try to keep me alive? There are now two instances in my life where there was no food and I was forced to go hungry. A few years ago, we didn't have any food except for a few bell peppers. I told my dad, no, I begged my dad for something to eat. He refused, saying we had food. When I told him we only had the peppers, he told me to eat them. I went four days without food before my brother noticed and got me something to eat. More recently, a few days ago I was in a similar position. I didn't have any money to get food, and I begged my dad for Chinese food. He said no, that he was watching his spending and if I was hungry I should eat what we have or don't. The next night he bought Chinese food for himself and Monique. He'd rather see me starve than spend any kind of money on me.

I've told him many times that his behavior makes me depressed and suicidal but he doesn't care. He's even refuted that I'm not depressed at all, as if he knows what I'm feeling. What I've been feeling. For years now.

My mother hates me and disowned me, my father makes my life hell, my brother is thousands of miles away and I'm never going to see my little sister again.....I have no family......I'm alone......

Description

Vent about my abusive father

My father has been abusive off and on throughout my life, and as always made me feel worse about myself, but lately it seems to have gotten worse. He's super demanding that I pay him rent, $250 a month, plus I have to pay him $500 on top of that for other expenses he pulled out of his ass. Every time he talks to me, he's asking me for money. He seems to think it'll teach me responsibility, but all it does is make me feel like shit. I'm trying my hardest to get enough money to move out and move in with my fiancé but he's making it harder. He flip flops all the time. One second he wants me out of his house as soon as possible and is always reminding me I can move out if I come to him with any grievance, the next he's preventing me from going anywhere because I'm not "mature enough," and because he doesn't want me to move to Missouri. He keeps reminding me that the people there are hicks, they're republican, they're anti-LGBT and they want to take away planned parenthood. But none of that matters to me. The love of my life is there, and thats all that matters to me.

He practically forces me to be more actively LGBT. I told him I was bisexual and ever since then he's sent me LGBT posts on Facebook, made LGBT jokes around me, and wants me to go to parades and stuff. It makes me extremely uncomfortable, because I'm still mentally closeted. I don't want to blast my sexuality because I know someone out there is going to hate me for it and I don't want to give them the opportunity. When I tried to tell him that, he told me I was taking my privilege for granted and I should be grateful that he's so accepting of me.

He constantly treats me like a lower-class citizen in our own home. He talks down to me, purposefully dumbs things down to a level that is extremely insulting. For example, I came home from work one night. I was super exhausted and wanted to take a shower and go to bed. He stops me the second I walk in, and says I need to take the trash bin outside and take it all the way down to the dumpster, open the dumpster, pour in the trash, take it back, put in a new bag, and put the lid back on. He said it was my fault no new bag was put in, even though Monique(his wife) was the one to take it out last, shouldn't it have been her responsibility? And if she didn't have time, why didn't anyone say something to me? When I told him that he was sounding accusatory, he said "I don't care. Do it." When I said he was a very rude person, he said "What part of 'I don't care' don't you understand?" To which I responded "I know you don't care but I'm gonna say it anyways." Monique replied "Mmm you probably shouldn't, if you want a place to live."

My living situation is always ambiguous. I don't know if one minute my dad is going to yell at me to get out or if he's going to harass me about money. I want to leave, but he won't let me. He tells me to go, but I can't. He takes my money, preventing me from leaving. I feel trapped and scared. I feel as though one of these days he's going to hit me, so I live my life in stressed terror.

I feel as though I have no privacy. My dad constantly invades my space, ridiculing how it's messy or there's trash. Everything is always made to be my fault. The dogs poop on the carpet in a spot that's hidden? My fault for not cleaning it. The cat sprays litter everywhere? My fault for not cleaning it. Packages were delivered while I was taking a shower? My fault for not bringing them in.

Here's an example of just how inconsiderate my dad is. My dad and Monique are watching TV, and I go into the kitchen to get a glass of water. The dishwasher had finished running, and was on Dry(aka the dishes were cooling down). So I opened it, grabbed a glass, and drank some water. Monique asks if I turned the dish washer back on. I told her that it was on Dry. My dad asked a few minutes later if I turned the dishwasher back on. I said it was on dry and it didn't matter, they were just cooling off. Then he asked again, asking if the dial was switched to Clean. To which I angrily said that it didn't fucking matter, and stormed off.

Oh yeah, did I mention that my father doesn't even want to try to keep me alive? There are now two instances in my life where there was no food and I was forced to go hungry. A few years ago, we didn't have any food except for a few bell peppers. I told my dad, no, I begged my dad for something to eat. He refused, saying we had food. When I told him we only had the peppers, he told me to eat them. I went four days without food before my brother noticed and got me something to eat. More recently, a few days ago I was in a similar position. I didn't have any money to get food, and I begged my dad for Chinese food. He said no, that he was watching his spending and if I was hungry I should eat what we have or don't. The next night he bought Chinese food for himself and Monique. He'd rather see me starve than spend any kind of money on me.

I've told him many times that his behavior makes me depressed and suicidal but he doesn't care. He's even refuted that I'm not depressed at all, as if he knows what I'm feeling. What I've been feeling. For years now.

My mother hates me and disowned me, my father makes my life hell, my brother is thousands of miles away and I'm never going to see my little sister again.....I have no family......I'm alone......