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3toneburst — Contrast
Published: 2008-01-08 03:36:44 +0000 UTC; Views: 324; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 23
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Description
The door standsperpendicular
to the floor
Allowing light
to divide
matter
People dash by,
but at some
point
They are
all divided
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Comments: 27
This one's good.
I'm not sure if I like :the door stands" or "the door stood" better, though. I guess it's hard to decide, because the tense alters the feel so slightly that it's hard to tell which I like better.
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Ja das stimmt.
This has turned fairly complicated.
The added German doesn't help either
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And that winking face was typo. It was supposed to be just a ) .
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No worries, I'm still translating the German actually lol.
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Hehehehe, sometimes it's best to just ignore critique because of that complicating factor.
Du schreibst sehr schon immer. (That's probably terrible grammar; I don't know adverbs.... but go me for remembering stuff? >_<
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haha, thank you very much indeed.
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I like version II, but I think minus the added-on stuff-- it flows differently from the original, but it's good... I know it seems totally weird that I wouldn't be able to compare them, but they're almost really different, ya know? I think the second one is to-the-point more... eh, I dunno.
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I get ya, no worries.
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As to the edits and versions:
Version 1's first stanza plus version two's last three?
They seem like they fit together interms of length and flow, anyway.
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Oh yes, last three including the add on ending? or nah?
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I'd skip the add-on, personally. *shrug* Dunno why.
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That's why I put it as an add on, it seemed to much
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Yeah originally I was just changing the first one to the critique of one of my teachers and it turned out completely different so I made two separate poems. Thanks, I'll give it a little more time to soak into my mind and I can make a decision.
Damn I'm indecisive.
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Indecisive's fun. Like right now. I can't decide what to eat for brekkers.
XD
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I read this twice, I think I liked it better the second time... not that that has any bearing on anything
I think if you can write things fast that's just... how you do it, I still think this is excellent. very excellent. oo-er
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Thanks Sara, I'm pretty excited you liked it especially since every time you have read it you like it more 
Sorry for my ignorance but what does the oo-er stand for?
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haha it's not ignorance at all, it's something maybe 1 in a million people would understand... theres this series of books that are this british girl's diary, but they're totally hilarious and ridiculous. and whenever she really likes something she goes "oo-er", like sounding it out. it sounds a lot better in your head than saying it out loud, though.
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Ha, ok I see now 
Thank ya much
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Yeah.... this is awesome.
After reading Rach's comment, I must say that I wicked agree on the hook-ness of the first stanza. Really good.
The whole thing just creates this wonderfully stark, simple mental image and I love it.
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Revisio: and by "like less" I meant "am not in love with but do, in fact, like" :3
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Ooo! I particularly like this one. Fave-time I think.
V. potent imagery in crazy-few words with what seems a pretty clear (intuitive) message.
Me = impressed. :3
Plus: 1st stanza = total hook. Reel in those readers!
2nd stanza I like less than other three because...I think I want the general feel at that point to be more stark?
Uh..?
Okay, whatevs, nix that. One ought not be picky about things one has no claim to.
Therefore:
Bravo!
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Huh, that's an interesting point of view there, I'm not so sure that it makes to much of a difference to myself. To me it is more stark than I was going to make it originally but hey, it could change.
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Art ususally does.
Stealthily.
Well, so do people, I suppose. ... And let's skip my pensive stream of conciousness, yes?
To summarize all aforementioned points: I like muchly :3
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