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First there was a bright, white light. Then everything went black.
When I came to there was smoke billowing from where the crash had happened. I looked around for my dad. He should be here close, I thought.
My whole body ached. I didn't want to get up, I wanted to just fall asleep and never wake up, but even my nine year old brain knew that that idea wasn't a good one. I knew I should wait until the ambulance arrived (someone would have called in the crash right?) but I couldn't. I should have waited, made sure I didn't have any broken bones, but I needed to find my dad.
Making my way onto very sore legs I looked around again. Everything seemed off. Maybe it was the fact that my head wouldn't stop spinning, maybe it was the fact that I couldn't really hear anything. I wasn't able to figure it out but it felt like my whole world had gone tipsy-turvy.
A hand was placed on my shoulder and a man with a gruff voice said, "Are you alright son?"
I turned around to face the man, hope sparking in my chest, but when I looked into his face it wasn't my dad so I nodded and walked away. I needed to find my dad.
On the other side of my dad's truck I saw the ambulance. The men were picking up a body. I thought we had been the only ones in the crash but I guess I was wrong. The body they were putting on the gurney couldn't be my dad.
I walked over there anyway, just to make sure.
"What are you doing here little boy?" one of the men said.
I shook my head. I didn't know what I was doing.
When I looked at the body I saw the face and screamed. The lifeless body the men had just put on the gurney was my dad.
The scream kept pouring out of my mouth as I ran at the body. The men tried to hold me back for a few minutes but they soon figured out I wasn't going to stop trying to get where I was going. No matter how strong they were.
"Dad?" I said gently putting my hand on his cold face.
I moved my hand to his heart, there was no heartbeat. The most important person in the world to me had just died.
"Ashley! Ashley wake up!" Andy was screaming at me.
I opened my eyes and I could feel the tears that had dried on my face.
"Ashley!" Andy yelled once more and wrapped his arms around me tightly.
I wanted to tell him everything was okay but it wasn't; it hadn't been since that day. Plus my throat hurt.
"Ash, what were you dreaming about?"
"I don't remember." I lied.
"Don't lie to me, I know you remember."
"Andy, some things you aren't ready to hear."
Even though to most people it would seem okay to tell a twenty year old about you father dying, but in my eyes I was the reason he was dead. I couldn't tell Andy that I had technically killed my dad; he would never look at me the same way.
Getting out of our hotel room and putting my pants back on I didn't look back at him. I knew if I did he would look hurt and I couldn't deal with that. I hurt too many people already.
"Ash, where are you going?"
I walked back to the bed and kissed the top of his head. "Only for a walk. I'll be right back."
"You aren't going to drink are you?" he said sounding worried.
I shook my head. I had given that up as soon as we had started going out. It had been hard at first but I didn't want to ever hurt him.
Without looking back at Andy I walked out of our hotel room and left the hotel. Ever since that day I had had that same dream, or rather nightmare, constantly. That day had changed my life. If I hadn't been fighting my dad over what fucking radio station we needed to listen to he would have seen that fucking deer way before he had. He would have been able to stop and wouldn't have swerved right into the way of another car. If it weren't for me my dad would still be alive.
"Dad can we please play a better station?" I asked putting my hand out to change it.
"No Ashley." He said slapping my hand away. "Leave it."
I put my hand out again to change the station and my dad looked over. When I looked up I saw the deer that was about to get hit.
"Dad! The deer!" I screamed and he swerved.
My dad missed the deer but had swerved right into the next lane. There wasn't time to move back and we were hit.
The memory of what had happened hit me like a bullet. Suddenly my head was pounding and I felt like I was going to throw up.
I had only just left the hotel lobby but the nausea was too intense. I sat down against the wall with my head in my hands. The memory had never hit me this hard.
I needed Andy. I knew without a doubt he would be able to make this all go away. The flashbacks, the headache, and the nausea would all go away if I could get back to Andy. There was one problem with that though; I can barely bring my head up so I don't think I can stand.
"Hey Ash. What're you doing sitting against the hotel will in the middle of the night?" I heard Jake say.
At that moment all I could do was mean so I did that. Hopefully Jake would help me back to Andy and I's room or he would get Andy to come down here. As I leaned to the side and threw up I hoped mainly for the latter.
"Hey Andy, yeah it's Jake. Uh you might want to come and get your boyfriend. He's either dying or having an intense orgasm."
Fuck you Jake.
"Yeah he's right outside the hotel. Fine I'll watch him."
Jake must have set out to do just that too because he didn't sit down nest to me and he didn't say another word. The silence between us was causing as much distress as the memories.
My dad and I had just gotten into his pick-up; we were going to get groceries for my mom. As soon as he started the truck he turned the radio onto a classical music station. I hated classical. I changed the station and my dad glared at me.
"Son, you do not change the station while someone is driving. It is a distraction." He said and then changed it back.
I sat there with my arms over my chest and tried to keep the music out of my head.
"Ash? Baby? Are you okay?" Andy's sweet voice said.
As he sat down he carefully wrapped his arm around me.
"No."
"Is it something I'm not ready to hear?"
I nodded and a sharp pain erupted in the side of my skull. Why am I still in such pain? Andy is supposed to make it all better!
Andy started rubbing circles on my back. I was so confused. I didn't understand why I would be in so much pain over a memory. Memories aren't supposed to cause physical pain so why did I suddenly have a terrible migraine and stomach ache?
"Andy?" I said, my voice barely reaching a whisper.
"What Ash?" he said and I could feel his blue eyes boring into me.
I'm the reason my dad is dead." I said and proceeded to tell him everything.
Maybe telling him will finally vanquish all of my inner demons.