stmemmerson121 In reply to anarchival [2011-06-30 08:47:41 +0000 UTC]

HI! G'day (from a bogan to an apparent redneck)! I'm quite depressed, to be honest. Been taking my anger/stress/daily exercise/depression/loneliness out on the local trees. With an axe. A blunt axe. It makes less difference than I thought it would. Sorry I took a while to respond, but I'm in a place where the internet reception is worse than most places had in the 1980's. Although apart from that (and some members of my family) I don't have any other criticism for this place. I love my farm... Which, incidentally, is the reason I'm depressed. This is the last time I'm ever going to be at this farm. I'm actually tearing up a little just thinking about it... But, I can't complain to anyone in my family, because they're going through the same thing, and it's not like we shouldn't sell the farm. And off-loading onto someone outside my family never works, because nobody can empathize with me. It's not like I'm MORE depressed than anyone else. It's just that I am alone in my depression. And I know that you'll reply back with something like, "You're not alone, offload on me", or something to a similar capacity (and don't think that I don't appreciate the sentiment) but, to be honest, I'm just so tired. I'm tired of school (even though I only have a couple of months left), I'm tired of looking forward to University, when my self-esteem is so low that I don't think I'll be able to even get into a university, I'm tired of talking to my family, I'm tired of being screamed at, I'm tired of being the off-load centre for my entire family, I'm just so fucking tired of life. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I have to do farm work, I have to clean these houses for the inspections. I have to lift heavy objects, like tractor tires, and sheep shearing paraphernalia, to get ready to sell it all. I have to work for 5-6 hours a day on school work, before and after I do farming and lifting work. I'm stressing over the HSC, but I can't complain about it, because my family says either, "then work harder", or, "I already went through it, so suck it up". I have to deal with my family screaming at me at home, school "mates" hitting me, insulting me and generally making me hate them at school, I have to deal with teachers who don't care, and teachers who focus on the "more promising" students. I have to be there for my friends when things happen, even when I can't tell them what I'm going through, because I couldn't articulate it in a way that they could understand how shitty I feel. I have to be there for my entire family, when not one of them is there for me. I have to comfort my mother because of her dying parents, my father because of his financial troubles, my sisters because of their University problems, my brother because he's worried about year 11, and driving. I've been used by virtually everyone I know (excluding internet). I could list every true friend my age I've ever had on the fingers on one of my hand. I've been told, you're wealthy, you can't complain. Well, my family is selling our farm to get our of several million dollars debt, so fuck everyone. I've fallen for a girl more times than I can count, and I've been rejected exactly the same number of times. I've never had a girlfriend, never been kissed. No girl has ever, or could ever, like me, even as a friend, let alone as anything more. I have more people who hate me than people who don't. But the worst part is not any of this. The worst part is that I can say all I like that I don't care what people think, and that's true, but what I can't ignore is how much I hate myself. My view of myself is fat, ugly, unintelligent, boring, loud, obnoxious, arrogant, selfish, vain, in essence, I see in myself awful qualities, and I can't bring myself to blame anyone for hating me, any more than I can bring myself to imagine happiness. I hate myself on such a subconscious level that I can't even imagine a future that I'm happy in. Even in writing this I can't help but feel that I'm being selfish, in throwing my problems at you, and being obnoxious, and vain, in that I'm assuming that my problems are worse than other peoples.
I'm sorry. I really am. I really need to vent, and you're really not the right person to vent on, but, what the hell. I'm 400 kilometres away from the nearest city, and I've gotten to the point of drying knives and wondering how it would feel to cut myself with them, so I'm just gonna apologise, and tell you that it's probably better to realise that I am not smart, or good looking, I hate myself. And I wish my friends could understand that.

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anarchival In reply to stmemmerson121 [2011-06-30 18:21:45 +0000 UTC]

Let me take a deep breath here and try to organize my thoughts in a manner that will seem mildly coherent (ADHD and all that, it's great).
Okay, first off, I wouldn't care if you were stupid or ugly, which honestly you're not. I like you as a person (though, you know, it probably doesn't mean much, me being on the web and all) enough to come back and check on you. I have a feeling I would like you as a friend if we were in school together. I also have a feeling that, in your current state of mind, anything I say about me having even the slightest bit of knowledge of how you feel is going to fall flat, but I'm not going to lie. The way you described yourself is how I'd describe myself. I've had years and years to inscribe it into myself and it's hard to get out of that mindset, I know. I'm struggling with it, much to the chagrin of a fellow deviant who thinks he loves me (long story, but I firmly stand on that word, "thinks"). But that's about me, I'm here to talk about you, I apologize.
Seems like you need some sort of motivation in life to make things better. Can you think of anything at all that would make life (to be cliche) new for you? Something to freshen your spirit?

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stmemmerson121 In reply to anarchival [2011-07-03 06:02:16 +0000 UTC]

I've got the feeling I have ADHD... and a myriad of other mental f**kups, like bipolar, or schizophrenia... Of course, I don't have any proof of any of these, I just have a feeling.
1. If I was stupid or ugly, you probably wouldn't know. Well, at least not the ugly part.
2. You are a very good person, it's obvious just from reading your posts. You seem to nice to let someone who's absolutely nuts/depressed (me) suffer by themselves. That's a good thing, and I like to think that I can't watch someone depressed without helping either.
3. If we were in a school together (forgetting for a moment that I go to an all boys school in Australia) I doubt I ever would have met you. I have a little bit of gynophobia. I can't talk to girls. I can talk to my sisters friends, or girls at my church who my friends know, but I can't talk to girls that I can't identify.
4. I'm just going on the conversation we've had on DA, but you seem like a really nice person, with little to no mental scarring.
5. Just wondering, how old are you? Because I've had this mindset since before I can remember. Like, I was beaten up in kindergarten.
6. The reason I think I'm bipolar is because I have such HUGE swings of temperament. I'll be sitting one minute, drinking water, and the next second, I'll be having a full on screaming match with my mum, then five seconds later, playing cards with my sister. And sometimes (and unfortunately I was on DA the last time it happened) I can have periods of crushing depression. Like, I've cut myself in the past. I'm pretty over cutting, but sometimes I still get bouts of depression, and I just whinge (normally to one of my friends, who are surprisingly accepting of it, or on Omegle) until I feel better.
7. This chagrined Deviant story sounds interesting... do tell more...
8. Just by the fact that you speak for a few lines about yourself and apologise just goes to show how unselfish you are.
9. Motivation for life... not much... I'm a Christian, and reading the Bible generally helps, but I forgot to bring it to our farm, so, whoops...
10. There's only one thing I'm trying to do to make myself less depressed. There was this girl that I liked, and she never knew about it, and since I liked her, she's stopped going to Church, started going out with some guy, and it looks like she's turned into a bit of a... harlot, shall we say? Apart from getting over that, I have problems with my family that I can't get over, the HSC, family on my mothers side, suicidal family members, stupid family members, greedy family members, ignorant family members. My family is very nice, but apart from my dad, none of them are observant at all, and they're totally ignorant if someone is depressed. So what are you doing to alleviate your depression?

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11meister In reply to stmemmerson121 [2011-08-03 07:24:59 +0000 UTC]

Hang on a second....is this where you heard about me from MissHatta?

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stmemmerson121 In reply to 11meister [2011-08-04 00:02:04 +0000 UTC]

I didn't hear about you from MissHatta... what the hell you talkin' about boy?!?

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11meister In reply to stmemmerson121 [2011-08-05 22:31:37 +0000 UTC]

Conversation had - this comment is now defunct.

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stmemmerson121 In reply to 11meister [2011-08-08 12:53:30 +0000 UTC]

Regardless, it will continue unhindered by your foreseen efforts to stall its evolution.

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11meister In reply to stmemmerson121 [2011-08-10 06:40:11 +0000 UTC]

[link]

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stmemmerson121 In reply to 11meister [2011-08-12 23:48:03 +0000 UTC]

[link]
Your move.

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11meister In reply to stmemmerson121 [2011-08-13 11:48:33 +0000 UTC]

Already seen it. My response. [link]

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stmemmerson121 In reply to 11meister [2011-08-14 02:39:03 +0000 UTC]

[link]

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11meister In reply to stmemmerson121 [2011-08-14 03:56:55 +0000 UTC]

ROFL >.>

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stmemmerson121 In reply to 11meister [2011-08-14 05:56:12 +0000 UTC]

I thought you'd like that one.

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anarchival In reply to stmemmerson121 [2011-07-03 09:33:57 +0000 UTC]

To be utterly cliche, it's what's on the inside that counts, and all that. So I wouldn't care if you were, anyway. Gah, long list. But I suppose it's very helpful in organizing thoughts, thank you. I appreciate that.
2. From what I've read, you're not nuts. Just depressed.
3. I'm awfully persistent. I'd end up having a conversation with you sometime or another on something.
4. It's cause I don't tell random people about my mental health- they have enough problems of their own. You'd find out if you stuck around long enough, but I wouldn't recommend it.
5. I'm 18, and it's the same on my end. I didn't need to be physically bullied. Emotional and mental bullying can be just as bad. How old are you?
6. Omegle's good for impromptu counseling. It's refreshing to be able to talk to a complete stranger and let things out that you wouldn't say otherwise, you know? Why not go to the doctor to have some tests done to see if you are? You may be able to get some help...
7. Er, I'm okay on that point...
8. Again with the glowing review. Stop that.
9. Have you heard of Blue Letter Bible? [link] I use that when I need to look up a specific verse but can't remember where it's from.
10. Why didn't you tell her? Oh wait, your phobia... but still! Nice word usage, I commend you on that. But in the case of your family... you really honestly can't pick your family. So apart from moving as far from them as possible, I can't really give you much advice there, except to focus on something, anything good. Go read Philippians 4:8 and 9.

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stmemmerson121 In reply to anarchival [2011-07-31 06:56:25 +0000 UTC]

1. You're right, it is what's on the inside that counts. Inside my head is a SCARY place to be.

2. Oh, no, I hide my insanity pretty well, but I know that it's there. And I honestly don't mind it, it makes life interesting.

3. I'm persistent, but I have problems with socializing... Thanks though

4. You should go into your own mental health. Honestly, I have a friend who is HONEST TO GOODNESS insane. Not a little insane, like me, I'm talking, I've-been-teaching-him-how-to-pretend-to understand-social-protocol insane.

5. Trust me, I know exactly how bad emotional and mental bullying can be. Physical bullying sucked, but I actually ended up hiding in the library at lunch and recess for 4 years to avoid mental bullying at various schools. And I'm almost 18 (seriously, only 8 days), but I'm only bullied a little bit now.

6. Nah, I went to a few doctors when I was younger, but apart from telling me that I was intelligent for my age and practically schizophrenic, they didn't do much. Well, one did, he was a public school counsellor, and he actually led to me having my first friend... in year 3...

7. Okay, sorry, didn't mean to pry.

8. Yeah, the glowing review isn't gonna stop any time soon. Seriously, I know an English teacher who also did psychology, and he just about slaps me every time I try to use that particular defence mechanism.

9. I prefer to use Bible Gateway, it has more translations... but each to their own.

10. I was pretty depressed over that girl for a while, but now I'm over her. Anyway, yeah, my family problems have just gotten worse. My American aunt has come to Australia (and no one's quite sure why) just before my trial exams and major works are due. Also, she's Jewish, which is messing up my mum's cooking, she's constantly taking one of the family cars to see grandma (I swear she's trying to get more in the will...), and she never does anything unless it benefits her. Like, this morning, I was having a conversation with her, and her argument at one point was based on the fact that Judaism doesn't need laws, that it was a state of existence, but two minutes later, she was arguing that Christianity requires nothing but faith, where Judaism has laws that need to be followed.

11. I don't think that I knew you were a Christian... good to know.

12. I read the verses, and I understand the point, and I even tried to do it, but I can't think of something admirable... I mean, what is admirable, or lovely, or pure? Realistically, nothing! Although the second verse does remind me to do what God wants me to do, and that is a slap in the face... It's been a while since I've ever considered what God wanted...

So to finish off, seriously, what sort of bullying did you face? If it's personal, feel free to tell me to get stuffed.

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anarchival In reply to stmemmerson121 [2011-07-31 22:47:12 +0000 UTC]

1. You're right, it is what's on the inside that counts. Inside my head is a SCARY place to be.
1. Scary doesn't equal bad, though.
2. Well... I'm not going to win this, am I? :/
3. Oh, it's no problem at all, honest. This may sound weird, but I have decided I shall be acquaintenced with you at least, if you don't want friendship.
4. Oh? How's that going? Well, I hope?
5. I'm glad it's let up, but I do hate that you're still having to deal with it. You'll be out of school soon enough though, right? Only a little while to go. Also, happy early birthday! (Since I don't know if I'll talk to you on the day of.)
6. At least one of them was useful. What happened?
7. Don't apologize, it's no big deal. A lot has happened since we last spoke (figuratively, of course) but... well, as I've said, I'm not here to talk about myself, so the point's moot.
8. What ever happened to the use of sarcasm for a defense mechanism? Why do you chose the flattery/sycophant tactic?
9. Mhm.
10. Yay, I'm glad you're doing better, in that respect at least! Though it sounds like your aunt is having issues sticking to an argument. Does she argue just to argue?
12. Look at nature around you, if you need something. Babies laughing, kittens romping, God's handiwork around you. Maybe... you need to start again? It's a good feeling, to go along with His plan.

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stmemmerson121 In reply to anarchival [2011-08-01 06:12:58 +0000 UTC]

1. When a person throws themselves into things like looking at others art, and things like anime, or tv shows, or movies, because they're too scared to look into their own mind, that's bad.
2. For some reason, i agree
3. Oh, currently you're what most people would call a friend. You listen to my problems (although I really feel like a jerk, laying my problems on you like this), you give me advice, you (at least appear to) have an emotional affiliation, I mean, if you were to come across some terrible hardship, I'd feel bad, and genuinely wish you better days. Even if you didn't give a damn about that sort of stuff in relation to me, I still would. I think I'd call that friendship, but I have some issues with the word friendship.
4. I'd like to think so. He's an artist (as a pastime, but he's really good; he's 11meister on da) and he draws very emotionally, but he seems to have very little emotion otherwise, but occasionally, he'll do something with enormous emotion, and surprise/scare the s**t out of everyone.
5. Oh, bullying now is more just idiocy accidentally stumbling into insult, so I can either ignore it or even laugh at it. And thanks for the happy birthday. Although it won't be very happy.
6. Oh, he gave me some very rudimentary tests, but he figured out my entire character from pretty much the start. He was probably the cleverest man (in terms of psycho-analysis) that I've ever met, and he was a counsellor at a rural public school. I'd say he was the only person who ever actually saw right through everything that I did. Wait, there is one other guy... but that's a little different... anyway, yeah, he convinced me to talk to a guy who ended up being my best friend for 5 or 6 years.
7. You should talk about yourself (not necessarily that particular story, but I feel like I'm monopolizing the conversation, and I feel like kind of a jerk for doing it.
8. Actually, from a psychological point of view, I've found that flattering someone works better as a defence than sarcasm. Making people talk about themselves (there are exceptions, those with low self-esteem, etc) is the best way to change a topic. Besides, that's not the ONLY reason I'm giving you a glowing review.
9. I'm glad you approve
10. Yeah, like I said, my aunt will change her argument mid conversation to be right. She's scary smart though. And she doesn't argue for the sake of arguing. I do that, and I like doing it, but she does it because she can't stand the idea that anyone other than her is right.
12. Romping? But, in all seriousness, I do try to find time each day to just sit and appreciate God's handiwork, and I do my best to follow whatever His plan may be, but starting new might need to wait until after the HSC. Although, Uni could be a good new start.

p.s. I'd still like to know more about you. For example, not even heavy stuff, just basics, I don't know, what country you live in, do you have siblings, how old are you? That sort of thing.

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anarchival In reply to stmemmerson121 [2011-08-01 19:27:08 +0000 UTC]

2. Hm, imagine that.
3. Don't feel like a jerk, I encourage you to talk to me about these things. Well obviously I care about what happens to you. Why else would I keep returning to make sure you're okay?
4. ...I'm tempted to watch him simply because of his tagline. (Doctor Who fan?) But you're right, his art is really good. What do you mean, "scare everyone"?
5. Why won't it be? You've lived for another year (almost).
6. He sounds like one of those rare people you meet that really make an impression.
7. See # 3.
8. Huh. I hadn't thought of it that way... I may try that.
8a. Hmph. It's not deserved, whatever reason you are.
9. You take my opinion into consideration that much?
10. She sounds... interesting, at least. Annoying, actually... Has she always been like that? Why do you think she's come from America to y'all all of a sudden?
12. Romping is a good word. (Frolicking would work as well.) Uni would be a good start. No-one knows you there, right?
I already told you my age a couple comments back. I'm older than you, kid.

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stmemmerson121 In reply to anarchival [2011-08-03 04:10:19 +0000 UTC]

2. I believe that we've reached the statute of limitations on this point
3. I always feel like a jerk, for talking a lot, but when I try to talk less, I end up getting stressed... It's a vicious, vicious cycle.
4. He is a doctor who fan, and his art is really good. When I say scare everyone, I mean, him showing any emotion is a little disconcerting, so when he suddenly emotes like crazy for just a day, everyone gets really freaked out.
5. Well, I have an assessment on that day, so that sucks. But also, I haven't had a birthday party since I was 11 or 12, and I really don't know if I want a party at all... Although, when my exams are done, I get a whooooooole lot of manga books and a pair of sai. That's gonna be awesome, but that doesn't happen til, like, November.
6. Actually, he isn't! He's one of those guys that you meet, and it's only after you get to know him that you suddenly realize how incredibly insightful he is. He's actually one of the four greatest people I know. The others are an astronomer (who's apparently one of the worlds 2000 most intelligent men, and I'd totally believe it), my grandfather and the first teacher I had, a woman who refused to teach information, she only taught a healthy attitude towards learning.
7. See 3
8. It is fun And trust me, I tell it like it is, if I compliment you, I mean it.
9. Of course I take your opinion into consideration! You give good advice, and I'll take that wherever I can get it.
10. Yeah, she's REALLY ANNOYING. She's apparently better than she used to be. My dad's told me a story of how she got he and his brother to jump out a window because the "house was on fire". And I'm not sure... she's either here to ensure a place in the will, or actual sentimentality. She came to Aus just before my grandfather died, so I know she is can be sentimental, but I'm not SURE.
12. Romping isn't as good as frolicking, particularly because romping can have a rather dirty connotation. But, I digress, Uni may be a good new start, but I have friends going to universities scattered over Sydney, and sisters, so I might end up going to a University that has lots of people I know. Still, it'll be at least a fresh start.
And you're 18, right? Just 5 days...

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anarchival In reply to stmemmerson121 [2011-08-14 03:16:30 +0000 UTC]

Ah geez, sorry for not replying to this. I accidentally X'd it and didn't realize it was probably from you until now. :/ Sorry! I tracked it down from your profile. I feel like a terrible person.

3. Just talk however much you wish to.

5. How was your birthday? Other than the assessment, of course. What manga are you getting, do you think?

6. Who's the astronomer? And she refused to teach information? Care to elaborate?

10. ...She had them jump out of a window. Hopefully it was a ground floor? But at least she is somewhat better, if the case is true. I hope she is. Jumping out of things is usually detrimental to one's health in one way or another. I guess time will tell which it is?

12. A dirty connotation..? Oh wait.. Sorry, I didn't notice that. I fail.
If I had a glass of whatever in my hand, I'd raise the glass to you, Mr. Simon Emmerson, for luck and grace in the coming years.

So now that you've successfully not died for 18 years, what do you plan on doing after uni?

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stmemmerson121 In reply to anarchival [2011-08-31 12:25:48 +0000 UTC]

That's fine, I've been doing exams, so I didn't even notice. Sorry I took so long to reply

3. Thanks, but it still makes me feel a little douchey sometimes.

5. Uh, I got a block of chocolate, a book of manga, and a Star Wars notebook thing my friend wrote poetry in. Then I stayed up late at night and watched anime on my laptop.

6. The astronomer is Fred Watson [link]
He's FREAKY smart, like, it's actually scary how amazingly clever he is. And yeah, she refused to teach information, she only ever taught an attitude to learning. She always tried to instil a love of information and learning, because if you can get that into kids at a young age, they'll always be good students, because they'll love to learn.

10. Yeah. It was a second floor window, I think she convinced them to climb down on sheets or something, I'm not sure of the details. Makes me laugh every time I hear it. She's too smart to let on one way or another, regardless of which it is. She plays her cards very close to her chest.

12. Well played, Madam, and I tip my fedora to you. I wish you a range of blessings, none of which are sufficient to adequately coalesce with your literary proficiency. And of course, I raise a glass of arbitrary alcohol that it is now legal for me to consume.

I wouldn't say successfully, I'd say barely. There've been a few close scrapes. But, I honestly have no idea. My main problem is that I don't have a driving focus, nothing to really push myself towards... I'd like to get into publishing or script writing/editing. That'd be amazing.

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stmemmerson121 In reply to captaincuttlefish [2011-06-08 06:08:31 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for all the amazing artworks

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stmemmerson121 In reply to bloodonthemoon5 [2011-05-18 07:55:22 +0000 UTC]

YOU'RE VERY WELCOME!!!

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stmemmerson121 In reply to 11meister [2011-04-26 07:44:18 +0000 UTC]

Almost all httyd as well

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