HOME | DD | Gallery | Favourites | RSS
| Radiant-Shine
Radiant-Shine
[27702524]
[2013-07-31 21:09:42 +0000 UTC]
"run by the fictives"
(United States)
# Statistics
Favourites: 2357; Deviations: 141; Watchers: 203
Watching: 216; Pageviews: 36874; Comments Made: 8526; Friends: 216
# Interests
Favorite movies: Equestria Girls (=3)Favorite TV shows: My Little Pony
Favorite books: Mortal Instruments
Favorite writers: Cassandra Clare
Favorite games: GMod
Favorite gaming platform: Mario
# Comments
Comments: 1403
@/darkened-sunshine likes to stalk and harass people
π: 0 β©: 0
@/darkened-sunshine likes to run from her problems
π: 0 β©: 0
bye h a hahahaha h
h avve fun with your true lo ove
π: 0 β©: 0
ah, that's because i moved accounts but i still check messages on here ^^'
π: 0 β©: 1
t-tara...
please.....?
π: 0 β©: 1
Iits not like i matter to any one : Β )
π: 0 β©: 1
O-of course you do...!
You, you mean a lot to lots of peoople...
A lot....
π: 0 β©: 1
mmm not true Β : )
π: 0 β©: 1
H-how...
how is it not, exactly?
π: 0 β©: 1
i have a question
why did you tell orchid about md
π: 0 β©: 1
... She deserves to know.
And seemed curious...
Sorry.
I thought she knew, anyways.
π: 0 β©: 1
eck
now she knows im a fucked up personn
anyways
join.me?
idk
π: 0 β©: 1
... You aren't?
But, I'm sorry.
Sure...?
π: 0 β©: 1
π: 0 β©: 1
gtg to bed
love u babe
π: 0 β©: 1
...Tara?
No offense but, WTF?
π: 0 β©: 1
... Are you joking or something?
You know full well that I'm with Alex.
π: 0 β©: 1
d'aww babe ur so cute when you say that <3333
ily
π: 0 β©: 1
Ta...ra...?
What's going on?
π: 0 β©: 1
i just love you
thats all babe <3
π: 0 β©: 1
im not doing your page if you cant even be in the joinme
π: 0 β©: 1
I had to leave because my mom had a doctor's thing.
π: 0 β©: 1
sig h
sorry im such a bitch holy fuc k
im just real ly stressed atm from all this writin g ,,,
π: 0 β©: 1
No! No, you aren't, T, you're fine!
And what do you mean? ;n;
π: 0 β©: 1
i need to explain to my watchers my identities and sh iiit
π: 0 β©: 1
O. h.Β
That ain't going well?
π: 0 β©: 1
NOTE; This is a really serious/important journal for me. This is kinda like an explanation for who I am and such things. Blah.
-------------
My name is Tara Schaefer. I'm not sure who I am anymore, if I were to be completely honest.
There are so many words that describe me.
Pangender. Pansexual. Maladaptive Daydreamer. Kinda depressed.
There are so many things wrong with me, but I don't know if I can officially admit it. It's gonna take a while to adjust to myself.
I might as well explain my myself, starting with "Maladaptive Daydreaming."
In fact, I'm just going to copy and paste something I wrote earlier. Lazy, I know.
---
"""Have you ever daydreamed before? Like, stared out a window or stared at something or someone and immersed yourself in some kind of fantasy place where nothing can hurt you? Hah, yeah. Everyone has those sometime in their life. But imagine having those daydreams 24/7. No escape, everything from the news to reading a book triggers you into a fantasy place. Instead of having nothing hurting you in the daydreams, everything happening in the daydream hits you hard and affects a lot of your reality world.
Β Β Ever heard of Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder? Yeah, most people haven't; not even those extremely professional psychologist people have ever heard of it usually. It's not even officially tagged as a "disorder," as they are still researching into it. I'd rather not even call it a "disorder," as that makes me feel kinda . . . not-fitting-in-ish. In fact, the daydreams make me feel okay; like I actually do fit in, but let's get real here - we all know that I don't fit in.
As of most people with Maladaptive Daydreaming, it started at age 4-ish and it progressively got worse as I aged on. The only things that triggered my daydreams were things like movies and sometimes TV shows. The one I remember the most is me as a little kid after watching Sharkboy and Lavagirl. I would daydream of me being Lavagirl, and that Sharkboy was right behind me as we jumped from platform to platform (pieces of furniture to one another), avoiding the bottomless pit (carpet). That was probably my most innocent one, as none of the "characters" we harmed.
When I was little and had these daydreams, I often purposely "fell" off the couches and pieces of furniture to leave rug-burns on my skin to make my daydreams more realistic in a way. I would talk out loud to myself, which was okay back then - my parents just thought I had such a creative imagination. Of course, I keep the conversations more of in my mind now, as I don't want anyone listening or looking at me strangely. (Though I still move my mouth as if I'm actually speaking the words).
It's probably normal as a kid to act that way, isn't it? Imaginative, creative, we all want our kids to be that way, don't we? We want them to have strong minds that may one day lead the country. But what happens if those daydreams continue? They get worse?
These daydreams that I used to have - the innocent ones - they got less innocent. Violence was and still sorta is a strong theme in many of my daydreams (I have over 50 daydreams going on. They never really end). One main one I used to have was based off of a YouTuber I used to watch - Chuggaaconroy. I had a YouTube crush on him, and to show it, I had daydreams based off of him and I (an older version of me, actually), falling in love. It usually started out with "me" being beat up or tortured by some serial-killer-dude, and with Chuggaa saving me and us falling in love. Of course, as soon as I stopped watching him and enjoying his videos, my daydreams about him stopped and I've never really thought about him all that much anymore.
As I started getting more interests, I also started getting more daydreams about those things. And of course, because of me liking MLP:FiM, I slowly started getting those MLP daydreams.
They weren't even that bad at first, but they did get less and less innocent, but maybe that's just because they're based off of my life and my experiences with certain subjects. They didn't start with my life experiences, though. I remember my first MLP-based daydream (or at least I think it's my first). It was about my first OC (Original Character) I made and her "story" in a way. Of course, I never really finished it, as I left that OC behind. I even started writing a full fan-fiction about her, but that ended shortly. The other daydreams following that were usually based off of the living voice actresses/actors themselves. I would daydream I was there - at a panel with the VA's and they would invite me to sit with them in front of the crowd - unrealistic, but it's what I used to daydream about.
That's when I was more involved with the internet. I was introduced to subjects like depression, self-harm, suicide, other disorders, etc . . . My daydreams then consisted some of those subjects - but since I had little knowledge of the topics, the daydreams were not very accurate at all. So I started the research; to make my daydreams realistic. I would also start drawing more digitally and on paper more, causing some daydreams based off of those drawings. Other people's drawings could (and still do) trigger me to daydream about the events leading up to it and after it.
Months pass, I go to a new school, I meet some people there. I kept my strange habits to myself as I didn't want my new-school experience to be ruined. I remembered two friends from my elementary school and we all became instant friends. Drama, and all that happened, as it was such a small school. I decided to move from that middle school and go to the one I was "supposed" to go to in the first place.
I knew nobody at this new school and I shut everyone out; just wanting work to be done. I soon realized that being social was a key point at this school. I tried (and I still do try) to talk to others and make friends, but it seemed no one really wanted me around. I shut them out again and stopped trying to make friends. So I would just wait for the day to be over. I never usually had daydreams in school, but ever since the drama, they would appear here and there at school (usually during the silent work times) and they would help me get through those tough-school times.
They got worse at home - the daydreams did. More violent. More personal. I would start basing the daydreams (still MLP) off of my personal life at school and at home. This new school - it made me feel like I didn't fit in, the way people looked at me sometimes . . .
I started researching. I needed to know what these daydreams (I had no idea what they were called at the time) were exactly. I was giving up, none of the sites were giving me what I wanted. I was just about to give up at a random forum when I saw my answer. Someone commented - mentioning something I'd never heard of. I read it. Something about "Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder." I copied and pasted it, looking it up, trying to find some answers about it. I found a nice and simple website, and it explained to me easily what it was and what were some common symptoms. I related to all of them, and I usually do not "self-diagnose" myself, but it was hard not to at this point. I had finally found my answers after weeks of looking.
But after a day or two of knowing what it was, something happened to me; to my emotions. I got angry, confused, to why it had to be labeled as a "disorder." I felt like it made me seem helpless. At this point I shut out all of my daydreams. I didn't want them to happen, and I didn't let them happen either.
After I shut these daydreams out, I noticed a change. I became upset too easily, I was always upset at something negative in my life - and this is what I call my "dark-days." (Lame name, I know). I became too depressed too easily. This is the point where I harmed myself, read about ways to kill myself, made plans to. I did try killing myself. Two times, actually. I tried choking myself with a cord I found in my room. I then drank bleach - and I don't want to talk about that. I also hid a knife in my room and would cut myself. (I'm healing and never doing it again, but I'm not saying I don't have the thoughts here and there). I thought of myself as useless. A light bulb lit up in my head. I knew exactly why I was so depressed/upset. I stopped having daydreams; the one thing that made me feel okay most of the time.
I realized I could not continue hurting myself like this when I knew that I could stop. So I let the daydreams back in. I let them make me stay up all night and have troubles waking up in the morning. I let them do that because I knew they were helping.
After that, my daydreams started becoming based off of my life. Most daydreams now consist of self-harm, suicide, depression because of that time of my life. I let my daydreams be based off of my sexual orientation, my (ex)girlfriend, my gender identity, me. Not all of my daydreams are even ponies. I have daydreams constantly of my (ex)girlfriend and I meeting each other in person. Those are the kind of daydreams I love. The ones filled with suicide and all that - well, they've been not showing up as recently, but they put me down a bit. As long as good things happen in my life and around me, I should be sort of okay. I think.
In a way, these daydreams showed me the darkness and the lightness of life. Sure, they led to a sort of depressional time for me, but the daydreams help, too. They help me feel okay and, if the daydream has a good enough "story," I can write pretty decent fan-fictions. Honestly, Maladaptive Daydreaming is probably the main reason I'm okay with writing and being at the computer all day. The daydreams help me find myself too, I can say want I really want to say without directly saying it out loud and being judged. I can find out my own opinions and what I truly think of certain situations.
But the one thing these daydreams never help with is being social. They make me anti-social, actually. I have a hard time talking to people, because I'm afraid if they find out the true me . . . well, they won't want to be my friend anymore. I guess that's why I try keeping my distance from people in reality and prefer to talk to people online. Because I know as I type, I'm not daydreaming. Only when I type, though. Otherwise, well, I'm some type of fictional pony making a video, livestream, etc . . . There are so many different ways a daydream can go.
Anyways, thereβs not many new things to talk about this; all I can really do is go into some already mentioned topics more, but itβs hard to explain it all. In fact, Iβm pretty surprised I wrote all this, considering itβs a pretty sensitive topic for me. I guess that's all. """
---
And that is all. I mean, I'm a bad explainer, so honestly, if you need to know something about the daydream, you can really just ask me.
Now-with those 'pan' words.
These two things tie into the Maladaptive thing *sorta* and these won't be explained as thoroughly as the Maladaptive thing.
I'll start with pangender, alright?
So. Gender. It's a thing a lot of people are mostly 'confused' about. Many people aren't sure of their gender identity (I wasn't sure either but I mostly kept it to myself), but in all honestly, gender really does not matter. It's just another label we give to one another.
I'm pangender.
Now, the prefix pan means "all," so logically (c'mon use your brains) , pangender means I'm all genders. I'm not sure how I can really explain it though?
--------------------------
thats all i have so far
sighh h
π: 0 β©: 1
| Next =>