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| Bigevilogre
Bigevilogre
[1691792]
[2005-06-12 08:06:25 +0000 UTC]
(Canada)
# Statistics
Favourites: 3; Deviations: 0; Watchers: 5
Watching: 0; Pageviews: 24523; Comments Made: 4378; Friends: 0
# Comments
Comments: 189
Are you a boxer IRL? Sorry for the intrusion. I hope you're all right.
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I've stood for a lot of things. But I don't have the legs to run that race anymore, and standing alone wears one's knees down. I've been fighting this sort of thing for around 17 years. I get support, "Way to go!" but no one else does anything. Half the people who support me also indulge in the same shit I stand against. I'm tired. I'm alone. I'm pissed. I've been working on this longer than many of my friends have even been able to talk. My heart is broken, back is broken holding this up alone, and my legs can't get me anywhere anymore.
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bleh.... you cant always depend everything on your friends. They already have their own life to handle. Even though its good or not. If your gonna keep that attitude your not gonna get anywhere <_<
Like I said... you feel too sorry for yourself
You want everyone to only think of you... thats not gonna help much... it takes the courage to support everything your friends need no matter what. Don't expect them to do a lot for you when you done nothing for them and if you disagree than you deserve to feel tired, lonely and pissed... GOT THAT!!!!
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Some things in life you NEED your friends for. Some things you NEED the public for. I've been stabbed, burned, shot, electrocuted, run over by a car, thrown off the high school gym roof, stalked, beaten up, abandoned, disowned, and told that odds are there's a wheelchair in my near future. I had my teeth knocked in by either a Hells Angel or one of the Sons of Silence when I was 5 (It was a long time ago, I can't recall who he ran with.) I have to will myself just to stand up every morning, force myself to hobble to a shower, and push myself to go to work every day. I "make it" through every day working 8 hours at a job where I'm underappreciated and overworked. My ankles are fused into one solid bone, my wrists need to be fused, everything else hurts. I've watched friends and co workers die in the parking lot and I still have survivor's guilt from that.If I could go back and take their place I would. All but three of my highschool buddies are tearing shit up in heaven. Every trade I tried to do in life I lost the ability to do because of physical limitations. I also need my neck fused some day and left knee will need replaced. I have to watch my mother slowly degenerate mentally and physically. I have been fighting to bring some honor to women in a sport where women tend to be considered freaks and oddballs for a long time.
Done nothing for them. Yeah right. even though I'm facing litigation because I have not been able to pay some medical bills I still emptied my bank account for a friend when his brother died. I spent every single night for years listening to some friends vent about their school/family/boyfriend/girlfriend/art career/financial problems/health problems/self esteem and been supportive physically, financially, spiritually, and emotionally to them. I fought online and physically to protect friends. I paid for hotel fees with "surprise pay per views" at cons without griping and when the elevators were down I ran up with my bad feet, ankles, and knees 14 floors to get medicine. In the end I am told I'm as bad, if not worse, as any stalker or rapist because I haven't been as strong lately as I used to be, and tend to voice my opinion.
Yeah, I'm a douchbag. I'm a slimeball. Yeah, I feel sorry for myself because for once I want something nice.
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damn your sick!
Get a psychiatrist
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Kiddo, there aint a cure for what's killin' me.
Here is some free parting advice.
#1 You don't tug on Superman's cape.
#2 You don't spit into the wind.
#3 You don't pull the mask off of the Lone Ranger
#4 It's admirable to be willing to give sagely advice, but it's best if you do a bit of research on WHO you're giving the advice to. Take it from a tried and true Cherokee. Throwing out advice without considering both the source and the destination of the wisdom doesn't do much aside from aggravate the wounds of the helpee and making the helper look foolish. You're trying to be grown up way too soon. My youngest fictional character was first illustrated before you had actually drawn your first breath.
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Not much of a loss. More financial than anything since once I manage to get myself banned I won't be able to buy subscriptions. I tried putting things up but nobody cared. I got more hits on those 4 words than anything I posted. It just proves to me the art society isn't a place where I should be.
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I think a lot of it is others thinking I'm an asshole. I've been down on myself for a long time and most of the things people have suggested I tried I either had tried already or I had a specific reason why it wouldn't work. Lost a lot of friends recently. (I am amazed how an argument I had here with someone hasn't gotten me BANNED yet.) I can be an asshole, though. It used to bwe my forte, and I was good! I grew up, but sometimes I can revert. I think people also blame me for being silent in my suffering. I can post journals, but I can't talk about it in person or in chat, so I haven't gotten into YIM in ages (don't even have it now)
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I should have mentioned you too, you did that pic for me just out of kindness and honest interest in the character.
I know some fighters DO in real life get rather "randy" after a fight as a result of the adrenaline. But making a career out of it... it's sad. Not to mention scary. If someone gets off on a person knocked out cold it's SICK in my opinion. A couple years ago a gym I had been to a couple of times lost a female boxer due to concussive head injury. She died from a fight where her only motivation to win was a medal. No money, no endorsements, just fun, glory, and a medal. Knowing there are people who would whack off to the sight of her being out enrages me. Being knocked out is a minor concussion at best and every concussion makes it easier to get another.
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That's sad; and yes, the way you say it this sounds like raping or something.
And the adrenaline thing, well, as I mentioned, I understand that when the fighters are a sparring couple and, even if they get carried on and hit each other seriously, they have actual feelings for each other and the fight is some sort of fore play for them. On other circumstances, well, it's not exactly sane.
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Well I know you cleared my from your list .......figured I pissed you off.
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And yeah, I know ya probably hate me now. I don't blame you at all.
I hate me, too.
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I've been pissed off at everyone lately. You, Moonie, myself more than anyone. I didn't mean to take you off here, I just had a LOT of artists who weren't doing anything, pissing me off (Like Darklion the backstabbing rat bastard) and so on. Only on YIM because you never really have anything to say anymore. It's kinda like "Hi" and a half hour passes before "Whelp... gotta hit the sack"
Some people just seemed insensitive to my griping, turning their backs on me. Which really got me torqued at the world because I'm always there when someone has a problem and I always listen, I never say "I don't care, just deal with it." yet when I turn to these same people they give a little advice here and there but get mad at ME because I have trouble letting go of a problem.
I haven't been online to chat with anyone, so it's not singling you out. Haven't talked to CJ, Deerock, ATM, or anyone. Not even my comic illustrator. We converse through Emails.
So I admit my anger towards everyone is misguided... I just don't know how or where to direct it. Just take my word for it, I've been beating myself up more than anyone.
It's like Moonie and yourself... the reason is because it's like I've given up on seeing anything you guys were supposed to draw for me. Normally it wouldn't be so terrible, but hell everything is kicking me in the balls and little things tick me off. So instead of going online and ripping everyone a new one I have been staying offline. I even uninstalled YIM a while back. I know this probably pisses you off, but I aint gonna lie to ya.
My heart's just broken and I need a place to bleed. No one wants it anywhere near their carpet so I just went and found a place to bleed alone.
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Yeah, I still check in once in awhile. I just had another skitzo betrayal the other night on here. I mean we're talking completely flying off the handle at me over nothing. I inadvertantly rain on someone's parade and next thing I know WHAMMO! I still keep an eye on people here that have been good enough to me and keep in contact.
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Indeed, I'm sad to see you go. But you must do what you feel is right. It's been good to know you, during the short period of time since we've met.
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I'm glad to hear it! Encouragement is a powerful tool!
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Heya! Thanks for the watch!
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Oh! That was sudden! heh! Thanks, you know I loves ya back! (It's good to have friends)
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hahah, yes it is. xD
btw- what happened to your journals? They disappeared. 
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Oh, once in a while I clean 'em out. Especially anything that's particularly angsty (And I have been angsty lately.)
Really the only thing you've missed was I have a rather unusual foot problem. I thought I was having a gout attack, but after a couple weeks it wasn't going away, so I went to the foot doctor.
So, for it to make sense I gotta explain that my feet stopped keeping up with the cartilage between the bones in my feet and ankles. So for years the bones were doing the continental drift on me. About 16 or so years ago I had my feet fixed, I was 6' 6" then, and had a size 17 EEE foot. The repairs (Being made of cadaver bone and stainless steel screws, I wish I had titanium, because stainless degrades and becomes brittle leading to my current problem. And Yes, I do have dead people in my feet)
The doc noticed my right foot was a lot bigger than the left. I was a normal size 14 on the left, for my size normal. My right foot is a 16 currently. Turns out those stainless screws didn't adhere well, bone doesn't graft to it like titanium. Cheap doctor's anyway. The pain was getting intolerable! I'm much better now, though.
Still feelin' low about a lotta things, though.
Here, have a couple critters! [link]
That eagle reminds me of my Birdiecuda. She really does have that aura about her. Little bird... big attitude.
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Eep... that definitely doesn't sound that great at all. D: I'm sorry you've had problems like that. I hope there's something that can be done to help it if not fix the problem entirely. 
Anywho, thanks for the critters! XD That pic is awesome, I love it. :3 I never thought I'd see something like that. You'd think an eagle wouldn't sit there with a cat coming up to 'im. XD
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Eagle might have been hungry, wondering if the cat would make a good meal.
Life's tough, but I have a feeling the whole reason my feets have problems is a higher power wants me to slow down. I was a real wild child for a while.
I try not to complain, because the same thing that's going on in my feet happened to my mom's spine. That's why I live at home, to help her. She has 15 of her vertibret fuzed together, and a lot of titanium hardware in her spine. She's the one that has it tough.
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ah... yeah that is true... a lot of the time when things happen that make us slow down, it's because we need to slow down lol. And you're right... a lot of other people like your mom do have it a lot worse. It makes you realize that you probably shouldn't complain since you don't really have it as bad as some people do. Sounds bad to say it that way but it's kinda true... sometimes we need to be humbled.
I'm glad you're there for your mom though. That's really sweet of you.
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For me it's always been easy to be strong for others, but I have always struggled being strong for myself.
Thanks for feeling that I'm a good person, I have had a rep as a "bad bad man" in furry circles. I'm so used to being seen like that I get a bit jaded. I really think highly of you, as well. You and Kenny are great people. You guys don't make me feel standoffish. It's tough to explain, but you guys have very comforting auras.
My mom is my best friend. You'll get a chance to meet her in the future, and you'll never believe she used to be a car theif. (In some ways she still is, she's run off with my Camaro a couple of times last time I had it running. That's stressful because he motto is "It's okay to blow up the engine if it means you win the race." Mom... there's $12,000 worth of engine... please don't blow it up)
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No problem! Definately some cool stuff!
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No prob, there will be more I'll fave later, too. I really like your taste in cars!
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thanks. i'm all about muscle cars.
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Thanks, you should see the others. Well, they're ugly as sin at the moment but when they're done... they will be hot!
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i'm really interseted in that camaro, is it a i-roc
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Nope, it's a 69 Z/28. It's my baby. It doesn't matter if I lose my home and everything I own, as long as it's mine I'll have something that can make me happy. It's like Memphis Reins said in Gone in 60 Seconds "I boost 'er and just blaaaaaast to Palm Springs instantly feeling better about being me."
Right now it isn't quite as good looking as it used to be, I am finishing up a ground up overhaul and refinement. Everything from the windsheild forward is brand new, so it's flat black. If I had a good set of sticky slicks, at LEAST a set of slapper bars, bigger clutch, and a rear differential girdle I bet I could pop the clutch and get at least one tire off the ground.
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bring it to oilcity some time lots of street racing here.
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I have a car I am building specifically for long road trips (Still a couple years from being complete) which will be able to tow a flatbed, I plan to take the Camaro around. Though if I really wanted to street race the 1966 Corvette my Dad has would be the best choice.
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all they use up here is little rice burners like honda civic crxies,
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